i'm on the fence about blogging. my myspace has just been made private for the first time since having it, the alternative to deleting it completely. (which i did once before.) i'm cutting dead weight from my life. "friends" have been deleted, both on the worldwide interweb and from my phone and life. a blank slate. a fresh start... so why would i want to put myself out there in this way?
my friend pete's blog is awesome. i asked him if it was ok for me to do a "girl version" of his. he said yes. not sure if this will end up much like his, aside from posting old cd covers and waxing nostalgic.
not that he corners the market on music blogs or nostalgia. it's an epidemic amongst my friends as of late. unearthing old records, zines, shirts, etc. i did a myspace page for my zine as a "creative" outlet, since i don't really write my poetry anymore. (and kind of want to throw up when i read the old ones.)
i subscribe to the nick hornby philosophy of books, movies and music mattering. but to put my own spin on his theory... "it's what you're like AND what you like." if i've learned one thing in my almost 30 years it's that truth. just because i have the same record collection as someone does not mean we will become great friends. lots of socially inept people like what i like. in fact, my music encourages people to be brooding, introspective jerks who are pretty much lost in their own thought bubble for a majority of their lives.
luckily, i am a sum total of all my experiences. as much as i was immersed in the music scene, i kept going to family functions, working "normal" jobs and socializing outside the subset of people who knew the secret handshake, owned the decoder ring, knew which book to pull off the shelf into the secret underground world that my music used to be.
with the advent of ebay, messageboards---the whole internet pretty much---things were less underground. i still have the "maximum rock and roll" about the year punk "broke". i liked listening to "alternative music" on sunday nights in high school and middle school on Z89. going to shows at vfw halls. not buying tickets from ticketmaster. owning a 7" that only 50 other people knew about. looking for records at oliver's and later smash and dccd. my grandparents were antique dealers. searching for buried treasure is in my blood. the quest is better than actually obtaining it.
i wasn't seeking out validation in the music scene that i didn't get at home, like most. it wasn't an escape from a suburban picket fences life. i never knew that life. when people ask me where in syracuse i'm from and i reply "the city", they are shocked. it's not compton, but it's not great.
my schools were in the ghetto. i grew up being the minority as a white girl. got jumped in a park for being the wrong color. acted one way for survival and another way around my family. a double life. lace curtains and sunday dinners at my irish grandma's. trying to avoid drug dealers at the bus stop during the week in my neighborhood.
all this made me who i am and i'm now finally able to, after a ton of family drama and personal trauma, able to accept it. embrace it. wouldn't change a thing.
i'm a lapsed catholic. i like the tradition, the history, the basic message. but the hypocrites run rampant. blind faith was drilled into me from age zero. and my family in ireland has amazing positivity and just an air of calm that i don't see in my friends. despite all the hell they've been through. i'm a bit jealous. even if it is the opiate of the masses...i kinda want that drug they're pushing!
-mjm
postscript...oh and the cure "wild mood swings"...title fits my mood as of late. saw the cure at msg with my friend sharon in june. started crying during one song. out of the blue. after being in a great mood.
i thought the crying was because i listened to "disintegration" on loop in my dorm room at GW while staring at the ceiling in the dark the day i got the answering machine message that my grandma had died. (my dad thinks voicemail about someone's death is totally appropriate.) my world was falling apart. my idol was dead. in a few months time i wouldn't be able to afford my college. i was barely 18 and thrust into adult life...or so i thought.
adult life starts now.
