a fight that she never wins...

ball and chain!

e & me. 

erika's sick boy. forever now. 

bleacher bar. boston. 

otto's shrunken head. ny. 

congrats to my favorite boston couple who just got engaged in dc! 

seriously so excited for them. 

it's rare when you've known someone so long,

 (since she was 15 and i was her boss), 

and you end up liking their significant other as much as you like your friend. 

these two have put up with so much bullshit from me over the past year. 

so have all my friends, 

but matt and erika have had the pleasure of seeing me at my highest and lowest, 

even when the highs and lows happened in the same day. 

tearing up at my desk so this ends now. 

rainy day music.

perfect music to fall asleep to last night with rain pelting my window. 

the intro sounds as if it were recorded underwater.

"beware the bottled thoughts of angry young men 
secret compartments hide all of the skeletons
little girl wants to make her home with him 
in the middle of the shore, she wonders 

"don't know what you asked for." 
"don't know what you asked for." 

all young lovers know why 
nightmares blind their mind's eye 
your rube is young and handsome 
so new to your bedroom floor 
you know damn well where you'll go 

i've loved so many times and i've drowned them all 
from their coral graves, they rise up when darkness falls 
with their bones they'll scratch the window, i hear them call 

"don't know what you asked for." 
"don't know what you asked for." 
"don't know what you asked for." 

all young lovers know why 
nightmares blind their mind's eye 
your rube is young and handsome 
so new to your bedroom floor 
you know damn well where you'll go 

stay with me under these waves, tonight 
be free for once in your life tonight 

your rube is young and handsome 
so new to your bedroom floor 
you know damn well where you'll go 

all young lovers know why 
nightmares blind their mind's eye 
your rube is young and handsome 
so new to your bedroom floor 
you know damn well where you'll go 

all young lovers know why 
nightmares blind their mind's eye 
your rube is young and handsome 
so new to your bedroom floor 
you know damn well where you'll go."-j.s.b. 

approximately 72% of the earth's surface is covered by ocean.

rube –noun Informal.

an unsophisticated person from a rural area; hick  Origin: 1895–1900; generic use ofrube ; cf. earlier use of reuben in same sense

grand master plan:

big plans.

you may or may not be a part of them. 

an Lucht Siúil.

"writing is my safety valve, where and how i get to vent....

writing on the whole has been cheaper than a shrink, and i suspect, more beneficial."-bruen

tonight tonight tonight....

+

=

my night!
free cham-pag-ne (said in christopher walken voice)
classical musique.
solitude.
aces!

final countdown.

read somewhere that every irish house has two things: a photo of the pope and one of jfk. vividly remember the pope pic at gram's. no jfk. 

go through her albums after she died to take photos. the above is on page one of an album.

one week til i leave for ireland. 

need to get the hell out of dodge.

disconnect from everyone. 

badly.

"may you have the hindsight to know where you've been,

the foresight to know where you are going,

and the insight to know when you have gone too far."-irish saying

a near miss or a close call?

claustrophobia.

the pile of suitcases in the corner of my bedroom is freaking me out. my sister is using it as her storage space until she leaves for paris, then maine.

looking at this pile, i realize why every guy friend i have has gone through some sort of panic attack when they've had a girlfriend move in with them.

my room is smaller than my dorm room in college, so this effect is enhanced. mind you, i am fine with enclosed spaces normally. elevators, crawl spaces, attics, basements, these are all my friends. overcrowded sleeping quarters, on the other hand, is another story altogether.

so clue me in?

decoration day.

(all photos by me.)

both of my mom's brothers were pilots. they both went to war. never were the same after. but who is?

mom's dad wanted to go to vietnam and was just under the maximum age. right before he was to enlist, his appendix ruptured. he always regretted not being able to go.

my irish grandma moved to england on her own in the 1940's. she served as a nurse in london for the duration of WWII. if i pried, she would tell me stories about air raid sirens and always having to wear a helmet. never the gory details. 

besides "full metal jacket" i don't think i've ever sat through an entire war movie. can't really stomach it. can deal with "atonement", but not "saving private ryan".

i'm almost as liberal as they come, but i don't take for granted the liberties that i have. spending massive amounts of time with three grandparents all alive during the depression gave me an appreciation for the little things in life that i think more people my age need to have. 

"i leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal."-lincoln, chicago, 1858

football.

used to go see dc united a bunch. always a fun, rowdy crowd. headed today to watch proper european football at a pub. the only real knowledge i have of the sport is gleaned from hornby books. we do have a bunch of ads during matches. so this can be work recon/day drinking.

"i fell in love with football as i was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it."-n.h.

insomniac.

at least if i'm sleeping in fits and starts,
if and when i do see the sunrise,
i'm in a room with a view.

upload photos from my 30th birthday two days before my half birthday.
hate hate hate that my birthday is in november!
was always envious of my friends who had birthday pool parties, picnics, bbq's.
mine gets lost in the thanksgiving shuffle.
this year it is ON thanksgiving.
which requires a trip to the 315. i guess.

last year i sat in a car all day on my birthday.
home for thanksgiving for the first time since i'd moved to ny.
taryn and kevin and taryn's aunt and me in t's volkswagon.
they take 17 up. i never do.

maybe i'll stay in new york this year.
have a thanksgiving like two years ago.
me and rachel at spring street natural.
organic turkey. tofurkey. prosecco. sick desserts.
followed by "darjeeling limited".
crowded union square theater.
plot for us to take a vacation to india. which never materialized.
rachel doesn't even have a passport.
have to get on her about that. again.
she wasn't even born in this country!

on 5.26 i will ask karen to bake me cupcakes.
and toast to making it through the past half year.
not just surviving, but thriving.
no one realized how strong i was, least of all me.
lost a ton of weight. attitude adjustment. new lust for life.
streamlined in every sense of the word.
daddy will call and leave a corny message.
(how many dads call on half birthdays? he kind of rules...)

on 6.26 i will return to the scene of the crime.
mom turns 50.
all my friends parents' are older, not necessarily wiser.
mom is same age as morrissey, robert smith, madonna.
she's freaking out about the big five-oh.
doubt she'll ever leave syracuse.
but she did get out of rural madison county!
told her that she shouldn't freak out.
despite her hatred of her job. hatred of the cuse...
she did one thing really well in life.
she was my mom. raised me right.

i'm planning a surprise party for her.
shhhhh! don't tell!

"one can live for years sometimes without living at all,
and then all life comes crowding into one single hour."
-(keats and yates are on your side) but wilde is on mine

to be 17 again...

the illiteracy thing would've always been a deal breaker to me though.

taryn's advice years ago: "you need to date someone with either a large collection of books or a well worn library card!" said to me at sweetwater. when that bar had a jukebox with soia...

bushwick's most wanted!

all the times i walked across thornden park at home late late late at night to get from my old house on westcott street to zopie's or to campus quicker...

all the times huge groups of us played hide and go seek in oakwood cemetary...

all the times that cars full of us would go to playgrounds in jamesville or dewitt or north syracuse in the wee hours of the morning cause we didn't drink and there's not a hell of a lot to do in syracuse, ny...

all the times we scaled rooftops of buildings in downtown syracuse for fun...

all the times i hung out at the skate spots with my friends who were drinking 40s and carrying weapons...

all the times i accompanied hooligan friends with questionable police records to do graffiti...

all the times i was with my idiot friends while they shoplifted and i was a goody two shoes who wouldn't...

all this in my past and it's a 9 pm in my own neighborhood when i'm 30 years old and sober and not doing anything remotely horrible except cutting through a park that i get stopped by police and get an appearance ticket! 

ponzi scheme.

sell free cds from work to soundgarden. 

buy more records. 

priorities!

ouch.

(portishead "machine gun", while a great song, is less than ideal music for when you are hungover. that is all.) 

devil with a red dress on.

"you are likely to feel like you have the devil on one shoulder arguing with the angel on the other. it is important that you listen to the angel. do what you know is right."

industry party tonight. open bar...

"informers" tomorrow night. 

ahoy!

captain redbeard.

aka dad.

us coastguard.

no idea when/where cause he doesn't talk about that part of his life.

go for drinks after work. farewell cocktails for one of my favorite coworkers. eat horrible food. drink a few magners. (prep for ire?) good music, awful clientele. not as well attended as it should've been. especially by the powers that be.

decide to walk off the fried food. wind my way through the tourists that are still out in full force taking pictures. get asked to take a photo of a young couple in front of a fountain. (ipod headphones mean nothing these days.) i oblige. 

then i run into my first batch of sailors. fleet week. vaguely remember seeing posters in the rockefeller center stop. these guys are, of course, around my sister's age. 

i'm headed to the west village, my sister's work, where she's holding my keys hostage. there are even more once i get to the west village. every girl who walks by is getting hit on.

boys, i have only one sailor in my life. now and forever. (see photo above.) and he's a fucking handful! 

saturn's return.

talking to the person who did my star chart last spring on sunday. reiterated how the gears had started in motion right after he did my reading. updated him on what had happened since, in the most basic way possible. (he'd gotten laid off from my company so i haven't really talked to him at all since.)

told him that things were calming down. chaos was lifting. he informs me that it usually gets worse before it gets better. that i'll keep delving into my past. (hence this blog thing.) the search for answers will continue. around october, this cycle will be over. october!?!?!?!?!?

watching kimmel. no doubt comes on. gwen is in a sparkle fred perry. a bit gaudy for me, but cute. remember when i hated them. the bindi trend when i was a retail manager. yuck...

haven't changed the channel yet. now oprah's on talking about "what people can do without". cell phone? take mine, please! computer? only really use during work. video games? gag. (i do enjoy rock band/guitar hero, but don't own either.) tv? white noise usually. would almost always rather watch a movie or read a book.

i've gotten over the "my phone always has to be on in case of emergencies". the one night my sister did need me, i'd taken tylenol pm to combat my incessant insomnia. awoke 3 hours after her semi-frantic message to find that she was safe and sound at her apt.

it's hard being the big sis of a 5', 100 lb 22 year old who lives in the bronx, appears to be about 16 and thinks she's indestructible...

"The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living."-wikipedia

total life overhaul.

i still sleep on the right side

of the white noise

error.

i've always lived more inside my head than my family, my friends. only child syndrome. my parents are very demonstrative of their love. and always have been. when i was younger i was painfully shy. 

no one would've known it because i was also a little ham. photographer dad. mugging for the camera, putting on a show. but maybe because my dad was always shooting pictures, i became acutely aware of how i was perceived. two sets of grandparents and one set of parents always watching me. first grandchild for the irish side/first granddaughter for the american side. people hanging on your every word makes your word choice paramount.  

then i got involved in a subculture that i didn't really understand for the first couple years. so i just sat back and observed when i was at shows, hanging out with friends. many of the times i was around people might not even remember. wasn't the loudmouth that i can be now.

my sister finally called me out on it a few years ago. my behavior. my former lack of affection. her friends are very, very affectionate. i grew up with dudes and in the punk scene, so it wasn't until i started coming to visit ny/li and everyone was hugging and kissing goodbyes and hellos that i got into that mode. still weirds me out with people i've met once or twice, but i deal. 

it's funny, cause i'm maybe even overly affectionate in a relationship. not like those couples on the train, where the girl is obviously insecure and clinging to her guy. or the guys who at the bar smother their girl to mark their territory. a middle ground.  

my whole philosophy on relationships, as well as friendships, family bonds, is that you should be able to go away, travel, do your own thing, whatever...and when you come back together both of you are better for the voyage. 

the person who went away learned something, had life experience. the person who stayed home got to spend quality time with themselves. (a shocking concept in this twitter, email, text message age of communication overload!) things are new again. absence makes the heart grow fonder and all those clichés. 

you're better off believing everything you heard was true

-a.b.l.

it's coming up three, boys...

2007. spanish point. county clare. ireland.

(looking like some kind of imp.)

my texas is the reason hoodie better be at paul & olive's. 

it wasn't anywhere in my old apartment. the last time i remember having it i took this photo. 

15 days til this lass is out of ny and in emerald isle!!!! 

3 days late. 20 dollars short.

graduation present. monday instead of saturday. she loved it. of course. 

by amanda k. lockrow jewelry 

happy accident.

borrowed karen's camera for graduation weekend. didn't get a tutorial on how to use it.

probably the sickest photograph i'll ever take. 

british day.

accomplishments today:

brunch with dc/pa crew.

fred perry sample sale: cute red hoodie with polka dot trim!

saw dad off to syracuse. 

rest of night:

pimms/seltzer.

relaxation!!!

164th.

keynote speaker.

watched his speech telecast in a graduate economics classroom. instead of outside in the cold and the rain, where the sound system was preventing everyone from really being able to hear. 

" ladies: boys who become men take the boy with them.

and their baseball caps and their sports teams.

and they'll never fully understand you!"-t.j.b.

fait accompli.

class of 2009.

dean's list.

i'm currently wearing a "fordham parent" t.

cause i deserve it. 

graduation day.

february, 1987. 

first time i met my sister. 

will probably cry roughly 50 times this weekend. couldn't be more proud of my sister. 

all that she's gone through, all that she's overcome against the odds. to become the beautiful, intelligent woman that's graduating tomorrow from fordham university with honors in french. 

post script...

my sister's music. 

it's her weekend, after all.

"i know a girl 

she puts the color inside of my world

but she's just like a maze

where all of the walls all continually change

and i've done all i can

to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

now i'm starting to see

maybe it's got nothing to do with me

oh you see that skin?

it's the same she's been standing in

since the day she saw him walking away

now she's left 

cleaning up the mess he made

boys, you can break

you'll find out how much they can take

boys will be strong

and boys soldier on

but boys would be gone without the warmth from

a woman's good, good heart

on behalf of every man

looking out for every girl

you are the god and the weight of her world"-j.m. 

fates conspire.

run into a guy i interviewed with. again. then look at my horoscope later:

"Today's celestial energy has you rethinking all areas of your life. If you are not as challenged and delighted with your job as you feel you should be, then perhaps it is time for a change. The trick, for you, will be figuring out what it is exactly that you want to do. You have a tremendous amount of innate creative ability. If you are not using these talents much, why not explore a career that would allow you to develop these abilities further?"

you're the one for me fatty...

baton rouge. 

at the height of his popularity, the colorful and flamboyant long was shot on september 8, 1935, at the louisiana state capitol in baton rouge; he died 2 days later at the age of 42. his last words were reportedly, "god, don't let me die. i have so much left to do." (wikipedia)

guru.

people don't put pen to paper enough anymore. 

carry moonbeams home in a jar.

when i was little one of my favorite tv shows was "out of this world". the main character was evie. her dad was an alien. she could stop time by putting her fingers together. hilarity ensued. 

my own dad was obsessed with alien books, conspiracy theories, etc., around this time. he made me watch a documentary once, hosted by one of the guys from MASH, that will forever be etched in my mind. in it they hypothesized that aliens were living in the basement of the white house and that president reagan went to mcdonald's every day with the secret service to buy them strawberry milkshakes. which were their favorite.

why do some memories stick like glue? while others are erased forever? 

refused to buy pink gloves but...

i kind of love this shirt.

impossible is nothing.

wisdom.

"utter only the words of which we won't be ashamed afterwards, which we won't regret saying. it is easy to discourage, it is far too easy, all too easy to criticize, to complain. to rebuke. let us try instead to be more quick to see even a small amount of good in a person and concentrate on that. let us be more quick to praise than to find fault. let us be more quick to thank others than to complain. "thank you" and "please" are small words, but they are oh, so powerful."   

<3 <3 <3

happy birth day callen padric!!!

we're big brothers!

a couple hours after i (finally) made it back to brooklyn from syracuse, callen padric came into the world. 7 lbs, 10 ozs of cuteness that i can't wait to meet in june!