this is the last time. this is the end.

spring cleaning complete!

and so it was written...

and so it shall be...

Daily Planetary Overview
This is a busy day in the cosmos, with the Moon moving into Sagittarius and making aspects to four other planets. Adventure and excitement are in the air, so this could be a Friday you'll remember. This could be a great weekend to take a trip or try a new sport.

Your Horoscope - Today, Apr. 2, 2010
Charge ahead with a romantic pursuit today, m, but make sure you have a safety net to fall into. There is an atmosphere of conservatism that might end up putting a damper on your spontaneity. Do not let this discourage you. If things do not seem to be working out, don't force the issue. You may be better off just concentrating on personal projects and domestic refurbishing today.

bye bye nyc!
hello dc!

3s.

tomorrow i go to my 3rd funeral in as many months.

anywhere but here.

“The road of life can only reveal itself as it is traveled; each turn in the road reveals a surprise. Man's (sic) future is hidden.”-unknown

fri-vegas
sat-vegas
sun-vegas/LA
mon-LA/boston/ny
...
fri-ny/syr
sat-syr
sun-syr/ny
...
fri-ny/dc
sat-dc/md
sun-dc/md/ny
...

no rest for the wicked.

all the love i have is in my mind.

happy valentine's day!
happy 23rd birthday to my sister!

2/14

for paula.

"there's the moon asking to stay
long enough for the clouds to fly me away
well it's my time coming, i'm not afraid to die
my fading voice sings of love,
but she cries to the clicking of time
oh, time

wait in the fire...

and she weeps on my arm
walking to the bright lights in sorrow
oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
oh my love

and the rain is falling and i believe
my time has come
it reminds me of the pain
i might leave
leave behind

wait in the fire...

and i feel them drown my name
so easy to know and forget with this kiss
i'm not afraid to go but it goes so slow"-jeff buckley



just spent 24 at home in syracuse.
(it feels weird calling it "home" cause it's not. hasn't been for a long time...)
my oldest friend's mom passed away after a long battle with cancer.

i think the hardest thing in life is death.
to die with grace, dignity, when death is what most people fear the most, is impressive to me.
paula accomplished this.

to say goodbye to this woman who was a driving force in me not becoming a statistic in my old neighborhood was difficult.
to sit next to brian, her husband of 35 years. to watch this stoic man, who i've always seen as the marlboro man, strong and silent, showing no emotion, smoking his cigarette, more recently riding his harley, to sit next to him while he sobbed, it was impossible to be strong.

jenn, my friend, is 6 months pregnant with a baby who will never know this amazingly sassy woman who raised his mom.
paula with her eye rolls. shaking her head at whatever dramatics i pulled in high school. this petite little woman with a huge personality. who never understood when i stopped eating meat, but catered to me better than my own parents. who would save kfc biscuits from the night before for my inevitable trip over after school.

she yelled at me the night my high school boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. i refused to eat dinner. she told me to cut it out and wouldn't let me leave the table til i was done.

i was at her house the afternoon everyone found out kurt cobain was dead.
i was at her house the afternoon kurt loder announced that jeff buckley was "missing".
the latter was more crushing to me than the former.

"grace" was the album i listened to on repeat the morning my own mom let me go in to school late because i was so sad about my first breakup. "last goodbye" was the song.

things do come full circle.
the words of "grace" could not more perfectly describe paula's faith, her battle against the disease which would ultimately claim her life, her attitude when she explained to her daughter that she was ready to leave this life.

for paula jean.
from michaela jean.
words cannot express how much i appreciate in adulthood all that you did for me in childhood.
thanks for being my other mom.

on gossamer wings.

it is possible
to be as tough as nails
and as fragile as gossamer
all at once

this is me
right now.

beginning. end. happy. sad. nervous. excited.

Next I pull the dream off
and slam into the cement wall
of the clumsy calendar
I live in,
my life,
and its hauled up
notebooks. -sexton

after 4 years toiling away for a promotion that never came i finally got a new job.
sad to say goodbye to my coworker friends.
those people i spend more hours with than my friend friends. more hours than my family. more hours than my ex.
happy to have a new challenge, next phase, jump start.
nervous to not know how to read people, not know the people who radiate energy from the people who drain it.
my first impressions are so often wrong.

27 to start.
31 to end.
so much life in between.

january is:
my anniversary of moving to ny.
the first month of the year.
a time for "new beginnings".
when my friend's dad died.
a job offer.
a resignation.
my cousin's engagement to be married.
another tooth yanked. percoset weekend to numb the pain. hopefully all of them.



knowing a woman who was at times more of a mom to me than my own mother is slowly fading away. resigned to the disease that will claim her life while her grandson is about to be born.