agnostic front.

in the past week i've been asked twice by people at work if i'm an atheist. religion is not really an appropriate subject in the office. people, obviously, are really passionate about their religion. having any kind of "debate" is pretty taboo, unless it's a coworker you have a rapport with outside of these 4 beige walls. 

thought about how i used to be scared to speak my mind about religion. to go against my family. they know i don't go to church. don't follow the church's doctrines. that many of my friends are gay. i don't believe they are going to hell. two of my cousins have no "dad" in their lives. i don't think they are going to purgatory. and on and on...

a story from the last time i was in ireland. my cousin liam, who is in his late 40's/early 50's was talking about how my great aunt tess' memorial service should be conducted. aunt tess died in syracuse, unmarried, no kids. was never a citizen of the states. wanted to be buried in clare, in the family plot. liam held a strong preference for a priest who knew her saying the service. makes sense. 

my cousin olive, divorced and remarried, lived 20 years in nyc, goes to mass at 6 am every day, states that the priest who is assigned to the parish where she will be buried will be presiding. 

liam says, "well it doesn't really matter to me. i'm an atheist." 

i distinctly remember sucking in a breath and holding it, waiting for olive's reaction. you don't just toss around that term in my family. at all. olive calmly didn't react. i was impressed how ballsy liam really is. 

can't figure it all out today, but my view is that there has to be something. i think. i hope. 

my view is: ordo ab chao

and if you google this to find a bunch of masonic mumbo jumbo, that's not what i'm about. just the straight latin to english translation. (ms. valerio, my high school latin teacher, would be so proud.)

years spend studying science, trudging through forests and around streams with my grandpa stanton, spending summers in the country building forts, skipping stones in creeks, losing my shoes in mudsinks. all this has colored my worldview.

there is an order. sometimes out of the most random things, a pattern is revealed. 

everything is connected in a way i think has nothing to do with books written and lost and translated and retranslated and used for profit and power and control and tyranny and monopoly. 

or i could just co-opt nicole's future epitaph: 

THE ONLY PROOF SHE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC. 

-vonnegut

anthem girl.

whoever spellchecked for doghouse records gets an F-!

"this is the final release from split lip. these songs have long since been discarded from thier live set. charles, clayton, adam, curtis and david worked over five years to produce these songs and still continue to write. there second full length "fates got a driver" is to be rereleased in March '96under the name chamberlain." 

get busy living, or get busy dying.

in my circle of friends:

2 dead grandmothers in the past month.

a divorce on the horizon. 

2 births impending.

a suicide attempt.

i'm not depressed, oddly enough. all this just makes me more motivated to not waste any time. 

first song on shuffle this morning was pretty much my anthem. tattoo coming first day of summer. double entendre:

"frigid architect

the ranks are thinning out

they have flaws

they are not detecting now

measure in degrees

the arc of how we fell

tell them all to go to hell

and take everything

stars are never right

burning fast tonight

they radiate their dirty light

so i can see 

falling over me and i am not disturbed

they are place i can hide

in this world..."-b.s.

but hummingbirds are winding down.

goodbye brooklyn!

at least for the next few weekends. 

(this town was built on miles of hope)

sick-o-me.

"

"satisfied, ellis turned from the computer screen and said he had come back to los angeles 

to start over. "i just wanted to not be breat easton ellis, whatever this persona was," he said.

"i was tired of going to book parties, the gossip, the same faces. la seemed like an opportunity 

to reinvent myself. i'm alone a lot. it makes you look at yourself. it goes beyond narcissism---

it goes to the 

heart 

of who you 

really 

are. 

and then you become who you really are."

-b.e.e, the new yorker, 4.27.09

amen!

need to throw "informers" on the re-read pile. it's getting rather tall. 

brought 4 books to dc. 

6 to chicago?

meet my sister for coffee last week. she's on her way to a show. gives me the new yorker that 

she's carrying. hadn't picked up one in forever. in it are articles on 

poe, 

ellis, 

bad omens for the yankees. 

felt like it was written for me.

my AP english teacher, mister myers, went to harvard. 

never quite understood what the draw of working in an inner-city, ghetto public school was for him. 

but i'm glad he had that altruistic heart.

or masochistic streak. 

in hindsight, he molded me a great deal.

one assignment had to do with the cartoons in the new yorker. i never "got" them.

last week i was reading my sister's copy of the magazine on the train 

and laughing 

out loud.

run into jeremy in mccarren park on sunday afternoon. 

he was in myers' class also. 

tell him about LOL'ing to the cartoons.

he read the same issue. 

and the cartoons made him laugh too.

syracuse--->brooklyn connect.

"they do things they don't do on broadway"

last trip to chicago/cover for my fake britpop album with adeet. 

top of the hancock building for drinks/shirley temples. 

(my hair needs to be this exact color again.)

abe froman...3 days!!!

the tie that binds.

what do these things have in common? anyone? anyone? 

forgery needed!

have wanted this painting in the worst way since i was like 21. if anyone can find a print of it or an artist to replicate you will have my eternal gratitude and undying devotion. 

forever ever. 

infinite playlist.

earlier today, after brunch, i am in the park for hours. we're counting the kinds of shorts dudes have on. it's either cut off jeans or pants, with the frayed strings still dangling. or cargo shorts. pretty even number of each. to look "different", everyone ends up looking the same. 

on hour number 5ish i am literally laying facedown in the grass, sweating and burning from the intense sun. i notice some totally normal guys playing frisbee. no reason at all that i should give them more than a passing glance. i zero in on the camo short clad one for whatever reason. 

he could be anyone. he is my friend from home. since 6th grade, when he would torture me in the "gifted and talented" program we attended once a week outside of our regular schools. the person catching the frisbee is the guy who sat in front of me in almost every class for 4 years of high school because our names are alphabetical. spot them just when i was about to go home with my roommate to shower and change.

run over to them. screaming. (of course.) they are sweaty messes. we hug. 

6th grade friend i saw one drunken night last summer when i turned up at his bar at closing time. jameson and tales of "whatever happened to so and so", him telling me the story of how he met his wife, his band's tour antics, me giving him the cliff notes version of my life.

9th grade friend is getting his phd. haven't seen him since h.s. graduation. he happens to be going with his gf to an engagement party in chicago next weekend, the same weekend i'm there.

they are both going to syracuse in 2 weekends, the same weekend i'm there. they skipped our ten year class reunion. i didn't. 

we speedily plan mini reunion with certain people at the spot we used to go to drink in high school. on a hill. overlooking a duck pond. and a graveyard. many a night i thought that i would tumble off this cliff, indiana jones style, after one beer too many. 

today i walk with my two regular friends to their bar destination. they try to convince me to get drinks. want to, but want to go to the show more. can't bail on plans with karen since we so rarely have them. 

as we walk to that bar i only have been inside of once, i pass two "enemies". really i could care less. their lack of maturity is laughable. i'm sure that they furiously texted about me walking around wburg with two totally normal dudes, one who is carrying a frisbee. 

this is when i definitively know that, despite the fact i'm going to a punk rock show tonight, i am an adult. may not have a mortgage, a wedding ring, a baby...but what i do have is much more important. i know who i am. i know what i want. and what i don't want. 

i've walked right by my new york past. literally. without batting an eye or missing a beat. while surrounded on either side by my syracuse past. my childhood. my teenage years. and then once they get to their destination i say goodbye, for now. continue walking into my future. 

"they get older, i stay the same age."

"the older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. 

you just gotta keep on livin man. L-I-V-I-N!"

go to see bane, capital and have heart with karen. barely anyone that i know there. a few people i recognize from over the years. but from where? boston or ny or dc or syracuse or everywhere or nowhere?

doubtful any girl there was older than me. think of my best friend from home. pregnant with her third kid. husband still playing drums in a hardcore band. she rocks out to metal on her drive to the hospital, to her nursing job.

and me? bedroom smaller than my dorm room at GW. smaller than any place i've ever lived in, for that matter. but my apartment in general is really nice, comfortable. home. finally. 

call my sketchiest friend tonight outside the venue while waiting for karen to catch some of the last band at the show. he tells me about the girl he hung out with last night. she's 23. he's...well let's just say in his mid thirties. they hook up after the bar. she ends up crying and telling him that she "thinks about him every day". (they live on opposite coasts.) he'll still hang out with her again. thinks the fact she cried is mildly amusing, but it won't deter him.

 

d4.

"if you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."-epictetus

everybody's working for the weekend.

met a *legend* today. super sweet, super nice, down-to-earth. resisted the urge to tell him "gleaming the cube" is one of my favorite movies. or make any bones brigade references. was with a bunch of totally normal account types who didn't really get it. 

i left the house around 10 am after getting up around 6 am. it's 10:30 pm. time for bed.

all work and no play.

i'm at my office at 11 am on a saturday....who am i? haha. going to sit in on a shoot in hopes of learning more/maybe getting promoted. *fingers crossed* 

the nfl draft is today. several hundred dudes are in midtown wearing light colored jeans and jerseys. i need a coffee and a charged ipod to deal. 

tiki barber (i think) was on the roof of radio city last night when i left work. my mom would've been psyched.

a place for everything and everything in its place.

-work on saturday morning in hopes of getting promotion.

-redo resume.

-figure out what i'm doing/seeing in chicago next weekend.

-have fun.

-coordinate my sister's entire college graduation weekend. since she has boyfriend now and my dad is so lassiez faire he'll show up an hour late for the ceremony.

-buy annmarie's baby presents.

-go to syracuse. deal with people yelling at me for not seeing them/seeing them for an hour. (i hate driving.)

-mother's day present for mom and gram.

-drive an hour and half to see gram. hope she's in good mood and not yelling at baseball game on tv. 

-coordinate ireland trip with family who refuses to respond to emails. hope i can sneak away to north without them physically restraining me. ("hello! i'm 30 and live in new york city!")

in between all this work an increasingly stressful/thankless job where everyone surrounding me is miserable with life. attempt to rise above all of it. remember i'm lucky to HAVE a job! 

this time last year...

paris. jardin avec ma soeur. 

arc de triomphe. 

how often can you remember what you were doing on this date a year ago? 

paris is beautiful. can't wait to go back. 

"there's no time to lose and no time to spare"

"steadily emerging with grace..."

can't get over the beauty of this video or the ethereal quality of her voice.

"i’m taking it slow
feeding my flame
shuffling the cards of your game
and just in time
in the right place
suddenly i will play my ace

eyes on fire
your spine is ablaze
felling any foe with my gaze

and just in time
in the right place
steadily emerging with grace..."

c'est la vie!

a year ago today i was en route to visit my sister while she was studying in paris. maybe i'll have some wine and cheese later while looking at photos from the trip. yearly sister vacation is a must! this year we tear up galway.

"too bad you can't see..."

http://www.naturedoesntdobailouts.com/

"unfortunately, the world's forests are facing an even greater recession."

in conjunction with my ad agency, i had an opportunity to work on a pro-bono campaign for team earth. we took an empty storefront space in midtown manhattan, adjacent to the david letterman show, and utilized the window to hang signs promoting the protection of endangered species for earth day. the empty real estate, some of the world's most expensive, highlighted the need for action not only in the economic sector, but also in environmental realms. 

my hair is a mess. my eyes are bloodshot. i'm literally only running on caffeine fumes. and i get to go do this all again on the lower east side in a few hours! but i couldn't be more pleased with my bleeding heart liberal self today. xoxo mjm

finished project!

view from the inside of the window.

DIY or die!

incognito me. green jacket=happy accident. 

"too bad you can't see 

all the good things that i see..."-g.b.

the order that shall be.

best im from yesterday: 

"how are you doing guerilla marketing? 

earth crisis singalong on bushwick avenue?"-t.s. 

"happiness is like a butterfly;"

"happiness is like a butterfly;

the more you chase it,

the more it will elude you

but if you turn your attention to other things,

it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."-h.d.t.

happiness is...

-walking to the upper west side through the park on a chilly night.

-seeing rachel in the middle of a chaotic day.

-coffee with my sister who has become a hipster, but denies it. (pre-ratatat concert!)

-the old school r n' b mix genius just made for me.

-coming home to an actual piece of mail. card from my aunt libbi with amazing note.

-voicemail from my father. 

-the twin girls in all pink on the J who reminded me how much i miss katy's twins.

-looking forward to split lip in chicago. 

seeing sarah. 

seeing chris v. 

seeing joel. 

seeing nic. 

seeing mark. 

seeing adeet. 

the green mill. 

-hiking on the w coast of ireland with my crazy beach bum fam. 

-jackleen+me+galway.

-home for annmarie's shower.

-oh and coming in the office and having magnolia cupcakes on my desk from my fave gay rhode islander at work!!!!!

happy earth day!

"Keep close to Nature's heart... and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean."-j.m.

at work at 8:30 am to work on earth day projects. "guerilla marketing". pro-bono. volunteering. 

rach and i had a whole discussion about volunteering yesterday. her mom encouraged her to go work at the VA hospital. a great idea based on her innate rachelness. i need to take on some project that's non-work related after life calms down.

i am a total hippie, except not at all. have to go clean out an abandoned storefront window today. jeans/flats/headband. incognito! 

ESF wasn't wasted on me after all. i miss teaching environmental science to kids in dc who had way bigger problems than me, or anyone, but enjoyed one hour together talking about nature and the environment. kids who had never even seen the ocean, but were so into doing art. 

or the kids i taught at home when we put on the play of "the lorax". 

did i miss my calling? i have more fun with most children than most adults. 

i work for these guys today: 

http://www.conservation.org/Pages/default.aspx

april is national poetry month.

"The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on."-s.v.

like a queen in the living room. 

and i wanna be just left alone.

put down that phone. 

please refer to the first 3 lyrics of "dischord 101"

thank you. 

my book club.

"That aside, I believe that unless a person passes through some Great Experience, that person's life will have been for naught. Such an experience doesn't have to be explosive or murderous or include Cheryl Anderson; often a quiet life of loneliness can be its own Great Experience."-d.c.

"Question: would I do it the same way all over again? Absolutely-because I learned something along the way. Most people don't learn things along the way. Or if they do, they conveniently forget those things when it suits their need. Most people, given a second chance, fuck it up completely. It's one of those laws of the universe that you can't shake. People, I have noticed, only seem to learn once they get their third chance-after losing and wasting vast sums of time, money, youth, and energy-you name it. But still they learn, which is the better thing in the end."-d.c. 

the man is on point. and all this is only up to page 5! should re-read this every 6 months. 

loaned out this book to a coworker last year. she finally just read it. what's with people sitting on books? i guess not everyone has my voracious appetite for reading. 

the reader is catholic. she goes to church. was raised by italian immigrants. so her world view is similar to mine in some ways, but in many ways it couldn't be more different. 

she didn't like how the book ended. people have problems when things aren't all neatly tied up with a bow at the end. (i.e. "sopranos") i actually like when things are left up in the air, up to your imagination. but that's typical me...

i am the one who watches "say anything" at thinks to herself "yeah, but what happens when they get to england???"

"unaware that i'm tearing you asunder..."

"it doesn't hurt me.

you wanna feel how it feels?

you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?

you wanna hear about the deal i'm making?"

"it seems i've scribbled down these rhymes before..."

sentimental. 

walking down bedford i see a stoop sale. the present from numero uno leans up against the gate. that i'd just asked him about. chuckle internally. 

"high five!" followed by "the simpsons". north salina street apartment.

"i'm not very sentimental. i have no idea." 

people who try to deny everything they once were perplex me. 

reinvention is fine. was always a big madonna fan growing up. but i don't think she'd deny a "phase", especially if building upon that foundation made her everything she became.

postscript...

"lost-

lifetime ago it seems

you gave up on your wildest dreams

but i refuse to let mine go

i took an oath

you can find me here

with an open heart and ears

refusing to surrender

i can't believe they don't remember

what it feels like to be young..."-m.s.

(kär'mə)

karma comes back to you hard. 

when she was good she was very, very good...

her side of the sundown.

bushwick--->astoria.

"fate and tragedy

i'm calling you selfish, begging men

sweet sounds don't leave

because there's a world i've got to see 

and silently it waits for me 

sweet sounds don't leave..."

standing on the long train ride out to see joe and danielle. breathtaking sunset. i see an old man sitting. frail, tired. he's got a korean war veteran hat on. reminds me of my grandpa. mom's dad. have to turn my head and look away from him or else i'll start tearing up. i'm not really so dead inside after all. not that i was ever concerned.

as i turn my white skin red.

wrist slashing joke:

 "i had a very intense night last night. 

listened to that last song on the mineral cd on repeat."

zapped of energy, even after having a vegan mint cookie milkshake from foodswings before walking to the J train. need a power nap before meeting visconti and his girl in astoria. 

got wrist tattoo fixed today. took a percoset cause i'm a wuss. walked around greenpoint with t and kev all loopy before my appointment. kevin hasn't had alcohol in 7 weeks, so he was giving me grief. "fear and loathing in greenpoint". i can't imagine me on hard drugs since i'm so affected by tame stuff.

the theme of my weekend could be summed up in two words: "third wheel".

went to a show last night with my old work bestie. miss her tons. if anyone else had asked me to see these two singer/songwriters on a friday night, i probably would have said no. glad i went. fit my current jeff buckley, jeff from gameface acoustic, mineral kick. 

check out:

http://www.myspace.com/rosigolan

http://www.myspace.com/williamfitzsimmons

19:01

are the dudes in phoenix all in AA or something? i'm a bit obsessed, but it's way too posi. could look it up but it's so distractingly beautiful in nyc today that i'd rather count the seconds until 5...til i try to set the night on fire. 

"how dare i believe in this world"

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."-t.d. 

i am part of the problem. ha. 

postscript...

my formerly nice watch is falling apart. plus it's about 8 minutes behind all of a sudden. the watch that hides my wrist tattoo which freaks out most people at work. the tattoo that i'm getting touched up this weekend because it's faded from wearing the watch. come monday morning i won't have camouflage for the swollen, puffy mess that will ensue saturday afternoon...

marianas trench.

senor esteban. 

the lone pet left at 38. 

photo by k rad.

i said hi to esteban this morning and wished i could spend all day long in the water. there's something in the ocean that calms my fiery persona. when i step into the water, especially if it's freezing cold, all the tension in my body just melts away. 

when i started swimming competitively in high school i'd HATE getting in the water in the winter. even though it's a quick dive, a splash, then you're in. but once i'm in, good luck trying to get me out! still have my card from long beach when i went with t and kev 2 summers ago. 

oh to move to the ocean, that's the life for me!

save the date!

"a guide to recognizing your saints" was a great book and an amazing movie.

last year lex and i saw them shooting dito's next film right outside work. 

look at my calendar to see what's coming up. see: "fighting with lex". looks like i'm planning on brawling with my coworker. she's the only one in our dept i'd put my money on against me! 

"you come on with a come on

you don't fight fair.

but that's ok

see if i care.

knock me down

it's all in vain

i'll get right back on my feet again..."

 

spring.

3.2000. by b.c.s.

"and it was something of a confirmation of their new dreams and good intentions when at the end of their journey the daughter first lifted herself up and stretched her young body."

serenity now.

work stress is immense. one person on medical leave. one person on vacation. and i was already doing the work of myself plus two people who were laid off. writing this while i scarf down a burrito.

i really wish lorie lived in ny. or could at least teleport here. maybe via hologram? calmest, most spiritual person i know. just being around her makes me feel more zen. even if i feel like an idiot in yoga class. 

instead it's elliott "false cathedrals" on repeat. boxing tonight to tire myself out enough for sleep. 

got to talk to TT for a bit last night. felt bad interrupting fam time with the twins. terrible twos. he was singing the praises of elliott with me. saying how lucky he was to play like 10 shows with them back in beta days. 

maybe i should invest in a helicopter to fly back and forth from "home" to home for some sanity? phonelines just ain't cutting it these days. but i have to go up for annmarie's baby shower and then again for my mom's birthday. once a month, basically.  

i put up more family pictures in my cubicle. and a butterfly post card from costa rica. more color. less beige blandness. 

11.26's meditation: 

"the rhythm of breathing is a constant accompaniment to life."

49 days til ireland...........................................

victoria lucas.

all for one. and one for none.

"these creatures are waking up in these dark trees.

awaiting like vultures.

eyes roll back turn white in time to feed

they salivate in hunger.

for you, and everything they need

to make a death complete,

completely unnatural and salvation lies

behind those dead eyes that watch you while you sleep every night..."

(fl phone call two nights ago. a word uttered: "drama". knew exactly what it meant.)

at what point do you cut someone off?

at what point do you allow them to cut you off?

when a friend's behavior is so reckless that you can see the end result from miles away.

months away.

you know the end isn't happy.

it's more likely a car crash, flames, explosions, pyrotechnics.

and it's sad.

but at some point, 

for your own sanity, 

you need to limit 

the 

drama 

in your life.

pare down.

family doesn't go away.

friendships shouldn't.

that was always my view of things 

for years.

blood wasn't always 

thicker than water.

you could pick your friends, you couldn't pick 

who you were related to.

i was the one in my family who tried. 

to toe the line. 

to tow the anchor.

to bridge the gaps.

the peacemaker.

a human olive branch.

out of all my friends, 

i was the one who excelled at compartmentalizing.

family.

friends.

a little box 

drawn around each.

never the two 

shall meet.

i let go of two friends.

one who i'd known 

for the last decade.

one who i'd been 

really close to 

for the past few years.

neither 

were cavalier decisions.

both caused 

a 

lot 

of soul searching. 

prioritizing.

re-prioritizing.

were "friendships" 

causing me more 

pain than pleasure?

the answer was yes. 

in the end i chose me.

i'll always choose me.

movie night with karen.

"i knew that little girl and i saw the light in her eyes, and no matter what you say or do, that's still what i see."-f.b.

fini.

"the only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man 

is when he is a baby."-n.w.

"a steady diet of nothing..."

mass shore, 7.2008. 

erika and matt, my boston cohorts, are moving to hawaii in july. i'm tempted to buy a tent and a sleeping bag and go there to live on the beach. 

this year's birthday present to self: plane ticket to hawaii! may or may not be one way.

"...but ice cream!" 

hurry up summer!

the ice cream truck parked outside my house last night has made me impatient.

today was a good day...

was. as in past tense.

my phone died yesterday when i was wandering around georgetown taking photos. got to my old friend john's parents' house and turned it off during dinner. forgot to call my aunt and uncle's before it died to say hi to everyone. 

call them tonight. my aunt tells me that my uncle/godfather has prostate cancer. her tone of voice doesn't change from the sentence before when she was telling me about my cousin going to fl for spring break. i'm pretty taken aback.

his condition is mild and common. treatable. several of his friends have had the same procedure. in and out. 2 week recovery. 

but my aunt's best friend from childhood died last year. at like 55. of cancer. this seems like too much for her to have to be dealing with. she'll just go to church. soldier through. direct parallel to my grandma.

since my parents are divorced, my aunt and uncle are the one relationship i look up to in life. my godparents. my dad's little sis and her husband who were homecoming king & queen in high school. such a cliche, but they make it work. 

they are, above and beyond anything else, best friends. he does guys nights and dude vacations. she does ladies nights and getaways. they come back together better for being apart. stronger than ever. 

all 4 of their parents have died after long illnesses. they've raised 2 beautiful, successful, intelligent daughters. and when my cousins were out of the house for good, they promptly had a jacuzzi installed, guinness brought in on tap and built a crazy multilevel deck with a state of the art bbq! haha. 

for my uncle bobby.

get well soon.