happy birthday to me.

30 years ago today in the midst of a blizzard in syracuse, ny i was born. it's official, i made it to my third decade. woohoo! 

turning around.

"cause you had what everyone wants, don't you know?

you just watched everything die, yeah you let a good thing go.

you had what everyone wants, don't you know?

you just watched everything die, yeah you let a good thing go.

did you get what you want from me?

i've done things you can't believe.

i'm not that person anymore.

i'm so much different than before.

you have no idea. 

you have no idea.

you waited your whole life for things to change.

you held your breath for so long you got nothin' to say to me...

you broke your own damn heart."

making a list, checking it twice.

reasons i could never live in LA:

1) i'd miss the seasons. having the same weather every day is kind of like being on prozac. of course i bitch about winter here, but i'd really miss it. xmas without snow isn't much of a holiday to me.

2) it's utterly ridiculous that driving somewhere in the middle of the day will take 15 minutes, but to get to that same place at rush hour takes 3 hours. utterly ridiculous.

3) the fact that i'd get skin cancer within 5 minutes of moving there. i'm that pale. 

4) earthquakes. 

5) barbie lookalikes.

i'm sure i can think of a bunch more, but that was just off the top of my head. 

the only reasons i would move to LA:

1) amanda.

2) maggie.

3) sara. 

my east coast transplant girls rule. 

thank you for your support!

i distinctly remember years ago thinking about how old i'd be when i stopped going to shows...

back then i never pictured being almost 30 and going to a house show, drinking bartles and james in a driveway because rachel thought it was funny to buy it. then, when everyone goes in to smush together to watch blake from jawbreaker's new band, hanging off the side of a van parked in the driveway to peer into a window for a glimpse of the band.

thorns of life is blake's new band. (bad name, great sound.) the drumming is a bit pop punk, but the vocals are classic blake. i was really into it and psyched to be at a DIY show.

the house was so packed that you couldn't walk through to get outside. people kept going up to the gate at the end of the driveway, thinking it was unlocked. watching people rattle the gate in hopes of escaping one lyric kept going through my head...

"no ins. no outs."

i'm so excited!

and i just can't hide it!!!

got some awesome secret news. i'll share tomorrow...

i'm moving mountains with my eyes closed...

went to bed early last night after an action-packed weekend. friday night i attended a wedding at the brooklyn botanical gardens. saturday was my faux birthday. by sunday my recently sprained ankle was throbbing after 2 nights dancing in high heels. decided to call it a night way before my usual bedtime.

slept for a few hours, woke up, slept for a few hours, woke up. vivid dreams about windows that slid open vertically instead of horizontally. watching out the window and seeing a group of airplanes all hovering like helicopters, instead of being on separate flight paths. a bed that was huge, which i realized was my old bed pushed up against my new bed. 

according to the dream dictionary online airplanes are symbolic of "overcoming obstacles" and "greater awareness". 

windows symbolize "bright hopes" and "vast possibilities".

beds are symbolic of "looking for domestic peace".

all of these are pretty positive things for my entrance into the next decade of existence!

november's spawn.

my birthday party was this weekend. decided to celebrate early in hopes that some people would be able to make it who'd ordinarily be away the week of thanksgiving.

since it was the big 3-0, (er, will be the big 3-0.), i'd decided awhile ago to have a theme party. got it into my head that a tiki party in november was a funny idea. so i booked the back room at otto's shrunken head. then cross my fingers enough of my friends would come out that it wouldn't be a total waste of space/money. and it wasn't!

i had an amazing night. thanks to everyone who showed up. especially to nicole, erika and matt for coming long distances to celebrate! love you guys. 

16 days til the real birthday...

 

yes we did!!!

so psyched to see what the next 4 years has in store! 

glad my friend sarah is there in chicago, watching obama's speech in person right now. 4 years ago we were sitting together on her bed in syracuse, watching kerry lose ground in what we thought was a sure thing. 

the 44th president of the united states speaking on my grandma's 88th birthday. woodrow wilson was in office when she was born. babe ruth got traded from the sox to the yanks. prohibition began. it's long past gram's usual bedtime, but i know she's excited to see this historic election's result. 

strange currencies.

wake in a panic because the amount of sunlight streaming through the window above my bed makes me think it's later than it is, that my alarm never went off this morning. check my phone for the time. it's 7:07 am.

i awake from a recurring dream. a variation on a theme. kind of a "this is your life". 

in the beginning of the dream, i'm walking around my hometown with my grandma. (her birthday's in 2 days and i was thinking about sending her flowers.) seeing the places i used to hang out, work, go to school. 

then she disappears and i'm in an apartment with a bunch of people i know, but haven't seen in a long time. there is no furniture in the apartment. but there is a small tv on the floor. and a land line. i think the presence of an actual phone in an apartment inhabited by people my age is bizarre. 

the one thing all the people in the room have in common is that they have very non-traditional jobs doing exactly what they set out to do. at one point i am explaining what i do for a living and that it is the third incarnation of "what do i want to do with my life?" 

(third time is the charm? maybe.)

a music video starts showing on the small television. it's an aquatic, undersea theme that i'm really into. but at the end it is revealed that the "sea" is actually the human body and the water creatures actually lived in the blood. i like the video less after that revelation.

i'm in syracuse, in a neighborhood i knew/know well. look out the window in this furniture-less apartment and see a huge hill that was never there. the little lights from all the houses twinkling in the distance. 

in waking from this dream i try to remember as many details as possible, but i also try to piece together why the people in the dream were present. the best i can figure out is a single line email sent by one of my boston friends, a halloween costume that rendered someone unrecognizable, thoughts pushed to the back corners of my mind.

i was a vampire for hallowen.

but i'd never want to live forever.

it's taking too much effort to wrap my head around the past 29 years.

postscript...

"i'm always wanting more

anything i haven't got

everything

i want it all

i just can't stop.

planning all my days away

but never finding ways to stay

or ever feel enough today

tomorrow must be more...

but however hard i want

i know deep down inside

i'll never really get more hope

or any more time..."

Día de los Muertos.

it's odd to wake up with dried fake blood on you that didn't wash off before you went to sleep. for a split second you forget that the previous night was halloween and the blood is fake. that you didn't just awake from some type of freddy krueger style dream.

today is day of the dead in latin cultures. i really want to go down to mexico one year for this. a group of people i know went last year and had a blast. i almost made it down in 2002. work interfered. one day i'll make it...

"Day of the dead in Mexico represents a mixture of Christian devotion and Pre-Hispanic traditions and beliefs. As a result of this mixture, the celebration comes to life as a unique Mexican tradition including an altar and offerings dedicated to the deceased. 

The altar includes four main elements of nature--earth, wind, water and fire. 

Earth is represented by crop: The Mexicans believe the souls are fed by the aroma of food. 

Wind is represented by a moving object: Tissue paper is commonly used to represent wind. 

Water is placed in a container for the soul to quench its thirst after the long journey to the altar. 

Fire is represented by a wax candle: Each lit candle represents a soul, and an extra one is placed for the forgotten soul." -dayofthedead.com

postscript...

my friends had a day of the dead bride and groom cake topper on their wedding day. thought it was really cute. 

"bring your bored

bring your broken hearted

we've got a vessel that we've charted

into the wide open sea

the two of us dearly departed.

bring a book with a happy ending

a remix of the message sending

headless dreams of guillotines

sharpened clean, never ending..."