regression.

i want this:

or this:

to go back there for this:

but will settle for this instead:

and this:

Burning Fight Book Release Show, Chicago, IL 5/2 & 5/3/2009

Saturday-

Thought Crusade

Convicted

Soul Control

Damnation AD

Betrayed

Ringworm

Guilt

Underdog

108

Killing Time

Trial

Disembodied

Sunday-

Harm's Way

The Killer

Blacklisted

Have Heart

Threadbare

Split Lip

Reach the Sky

Bane 

Converge

Unbroken

call me steam.

last night after work i decided to take a walk through central park. it hit me at one point that with the absence of anything starting to bloom yet and the chill in the late march air, you couldn't tell if it was a day in the fall or a day in the spring. 

walked further and just as i got too cold to walk anymore and realized my hair was a windswept mess, my cheeks as red as can be from the cold, i spotted rows and rows of daffodils near the 81st street exit. 

"rise and shine to the smell of flowers"

black heart queen.

when i was 17 or 18 it was really important for me to be popular, liked, "a scenester". 

now i know who i know. those who are important to me, i keep in touch with. 

people fall in and out of your life. i've stopped trying to hold on so tight. 

let the cards fall where they may...

exsanguination.

my eyes change colors. when i'm sick, stressed, overtired, wearing certain colors. 

yesterday at brunch, nati: "you have vampire eyes!"

"sometimes i wondered if i was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. maybe there was a glitch in my brain." -b.m.s.

legend.

today marks the birthday of one of my favorite people in the universe. my "spiritual advisor" of sorts. my "stepdad". one of the most enlightened people i've ever had the pleasure of meeting. someone who taught me that societal constraints shouldn't dictate your behavior in life. 

in the sixth decade of his life he's still reaching, still striving, absorbing, learning. he's the sort of person i hope to be someday. non-judgemental. level-headed. inspirational. quit his career as a chef to do good by working with mentally and physically challenged elementary school kids. 

most of my life i've been closer to him than to my own dad. he's easier to talk to. doesn't have expectations of how i should behave, who i should date, where i should live, what i should do for a living. 

he balanced out my mom for over 20 years of her life. and tends to have the same calming effect on me. certain things will always be "bob" to me. chess. bob marley. the food network. food in general. seafood. southeast dc. the list could go on and on and on...

for robert lee. 

my own personal Haile Selassie.

best phone conversation i've had in ages. 

post script...

"until the philosophy which hold one race superior

and another 

inferior

is finally

and permanently

discredited

and abandoned

everywhere is war...

that until there are no longer

first class and second class citizens of any nation

until the colour of a man's skin

is of no more significance than the colour of his eyes

me say war

that until the basic human rights

are equally guaranteed to all

without regard to race

dis a war

that until that day

the dream of lasting peace

world citizenship

rule of international morality

will remain in but a fleeting illusion to be pursued,

but never attained

now everywhere is war-war..."-the other bob via haile

clearly canadian.

"motivation must come from within today. the only thing that can pull you out of bed is your own inner drive. too much partying may leave you spent to the point in which you don't even want to move. remember to keep things in moderation. be good to your physical body. get outside and let your mind radiate outwards like the rays of the sun. feel the grounding of the earth below."

last night was my roomie's going away party. she's moving to canada. i've been sick all week and 3 drinks hit me like a ton of bricks. canadian flag cupcakes that i art directed. montreal canadiens beer mug as a going away present. too many pixies songs on at BCC...

feel good hit of the spring.

ann: "now, i'd better get a taxi and go back."

joe:  "well look, before you do, why don't you take a little time for yourself?"

ann: "maybe another hour."

joe:  "live dangerously. take the whole day."

ann: "i could do some of the things i've always wanted to."

joe:  "like what?"

ann: "oh, you can't imagine. i-i'd do just whatever i liked all day long."

joe:  "you mean things like having you hair cut, eating gelati..."

ann: "yes, and i'd sit at a sidewalk cafe and look in shop windows. walk in the rain, have fun and maybe some excitement. doesn't seen much to you, does it?"

1,095 days.

today is my 3 year anniversary at work.

i've made it through 3 or 4 rounds of layoffs. psyched to have a job still when so many of my friends don't. but still a little mad at myself that i didn't make a move when the economy was stronger.  

can't really complain. this job has changed me in many positive ways. made me more of a realist. exposed me to people and ideas that i wouldn't have encountered otherwise. for better or for worse...

 

the stale taste of recycled air.

sick. 

again.

my office is extremely close quarters, full of recycled germs and recycled air. i touch so much paperwork in the course of a day that the instant i'm overtired, i pick up whatever bug someone else has. 

luckily i haven't been sick with the full on cold type flu this year. i attribute this to exercising and actually taking vitamins for once. a couple days of being stuffy and run down are better than fevers and the like.  

last week and the beginning of this week i was puppy sitting. the furry thing pictured above slept in my bed thursday, friday, saturday, sunday and monday nights. by tuesday i missed her presence. all 3 lbs of it.

insomnia set in. tried the longest, hottest shower. tried reading a boring book. tried to shut off my ever whirring mind. last night i slept for 3 hours, woke up and texted with rachel and chris. took a shower, blow dried my hair, read some more. still tossed and turned. 

can't wait for tomorrow night. i've waited til friday to drink. my lent sacrifice. HA!  

48.

not really sure when it started. 

a dream followed by a pseudo panic attack. 

became reality.

email from my ex. that he's going to be a dad. in need of irish names.

i reply. "congrats!" list 3 name suggestions.

all 3 of the names i gave were on his list.

(we never talked about "hypothetical baby names" while dating.)

odd.

then i guessed that my friend is having a baby. 

a guy friend.

without seeing him or his wife for months.

eerie.

i'll be hiding in brooklyn under my covers...

"the only advice i remember is it's better be lucky than good." 

spring cleaning. find a birthday card from my aunt, uncle and cousins. inside is a scratch off lotto ticket. it's a winner. $1. you have to start somewhere.

replacement atm card comes after the jerk bartender gave mine to the wrong person on st. patrick's day. expiration date is 3/15. ha. 

ipod is stuck on "peanuts". 

go to lunch without ipod. samosas with adeet. long overdue. i bitch about dave matthews band types. 

get on the elevator after lunch with two people in an intense conversation about the merits of "dave"...i don't think they mean gahan. 

it was too loud to hear what i was thinking.

"those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."-g.s. 

my heart belongs to daddy.

"you don't have to deserve your mother's love

you have to deserve your father's."-r.f.

my dad's standard reply when i was in junior high and high school whenever i told him i had a crush on a boy was to say: "your heart belongs to daddy!" 

if i planned on getting a ton of tattoos that was always one i considered. i'm sure some rockabilly roller derby girl has it already...

legacy.

"to father dynasties. the air is rich.

here is a queenship no mother can contest---

a fruit that's death to taste: dark flesh, dark pairings."

RIP n.h. 

rock of ages?

"dream dreams

then write them

aye but live them first"

"On the eve of the big day, the famous historian inserted the following notice in the Harvard Crimson: "History 60a. 'Ship Lively' shoves off for the West Indies and parts unknown...at 9:15 o'clock in the morning. Crew may obtain a chart of the West Indies by calling at Widener 417." To the crew concerned, the meaning of the notice was abundantly clear. It was simply Samuel Eliot Morison's salty way of telling his students the time and place of their midyear exam." 

adieu.

the seine. april, 2008.

"i have arrived 

so unashamed

but my reflection 

no longer seems the same

it seems much dimmer now

it seems so dim

just stumble and fall 

into a world that's overcrowded

and you will find me

won't recognize me

i won't

recognize myself"

the springtime of our discontent.

idiosyncrasies. 

everyone has them.

i find ripping up paper to be very cathartic.

better than screaming.

or punching a wall.

or doing shots...(maybe.)

for now i'll just clean house. 

while listening to 108.

"hollow are the bones of lonely..."

"the weather has been hiding secret messages in snow.."

...hopefully not for long. 

happy spring! 

transitions.

my sister's about to graduate from college. this makes me feel old. 

i think about my life at that age...80's night at heaven in dc, still not drinking, being the only girl with all the guys, my real world-esque house consisting of a CIA worker, a VA beach airhead, a NJ shore airhead and a possibly-a-lesbian ultra-religious girl, the party where all my friends convinced my roommate's friends that they were choreographers for boy bands...

my going away party disaster that ended up with a bunch of boston dudes wreaking havoc on my house a la some plot from a john hughes movie, me getting threatened by one of the scene dudes and the party ending when i ran up to my room crying, telling rachel to kick everyone out while i hid under my comforter. 

eddie was the only one to come and check on me even though he was friends with the culprits. his band ended up on tour with theirs months later while i was living back in syracuse. i was less than psyched to go. 

the dc--->syracuse transition was easy. all my friends were moving away after college. most to ny and california. my grand master plan was to live at my mom's and save $$$ for a year, then move to ny. (famous last words.) ended up staying for years. 

post script...

the photo above is a blurry one of me with my dad and sister. i love that she's sliding down a railing. that's so her. i am like 25 lbs skinnier now. yikes.  

dear dunkin donuts,

dear dd,

my coffee has been wrong 2x in 24 hours. how do you expect me to put forth the effort to clandestinely sneak you into my office, where starbucks is our client, if you don't even bother to attend to my needs?

xoxo mjm

am shuffle: 

"we came to dance"-gaslight anthem--->"public witness program" fugazi--->"let's get fucked up and die"-motion city soundtrack--->"jingling baby"-LL...

unlucky.

the luck of the irish is a farce.

after work met two friends from dc i hadn't seen in ages who'd taken the day off for the parade. got a guinness, so i could be a total stereotype in my old urban outfitters "cheers dublin" t and green asics. almost everyone where we were drinking is from ireland and wearing football jerseys. i get "proposed" to by a guy from roscommon. ha. 

"liam", the bartender at the old man irish bar in columbus circle, was a genius and gave my card to someone else. spent 20 minutes outside yelling at chase to cancel my visa in the midst of 100 drunk people who look like the st. patrick's day section of a party store threw up on them. that sobers me up real quick, but i'm so mad about the card situation that i decide to get drunk...

t minus 79 days...

until ireland. not that i'm counting or anything! 

Sláinte chugat!

stepped off the train today and the first sight that i saw was an asian guy in a green top hat. welcome to amateur hour...

the Crüe is me, the Crüe is you!

guess who is going to see them at MSG tonight??? me! me! me! 

"i gotta be out by 8 o'clock..."

i hate mornings. 

loathe.

abhor.

detest.

luckily my two roommates know that i will not talk to them in the am and are not offended. i am always at work after 9 o'clock, even when i give myself an hour. the trains should take no more than 45 minutes. ever. they always take about 70 minutes to get to the top o' the rock. ugh.

today in a serendipitous turn of events, both the J and the F got to the platform as soon as i did. woke up with enough time to wait for the gorilla coffee karen was making. although i was tired from a 1 am discussion about life, love and religion with johanna while she ate ramen noodles after we got home from BCC, i managed to form complete sentences before being caffeinated. 

get to work and there are still whole wheat bagels left. friends yell at me for my new jeans being "too baggy". skinny jeans bought to replace the 2 sizes too big old jeans. boxing is paying off. 

finally can sit down without wincing in pain from falling on my ass so many times snowboarding last weekend. i've abandoned the idea of investing in a doughnut pillow. last night at the gym i self diagnosed at least 3 ailments to my trainer, before getting a very real cramp in my leg. he tells me i'm being a baby in not so many words. 

30 is probably not the ideal age to take up any extreme sport. 

firsts.

two firsts this weekend.

first trip to maine. 

first time snowboarding.

wish me luck! (but please don't say break a leg...)