lucky 13

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used to, put no difference in your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow in it; Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well."

"a mark, a mission, a brand, a scar"

friday (the 13th, fittingly) marks the one year anniversary of my friend shannon dying.

she was very sick for a very long time. many "friends" of hers stopped visiting, stopped calling, stopped all communication with her. i was not one of them. but i can understand why people cut her off, though i don't at all agree with those decisions.

it's excruciating to see your friend in pain, to know there's really no end in sight. much easier to ring up a buddy who can go to the pub with you and b.s. about their work week than a friend who has no job, no real life anymore outside of her house because of chronic illness.

your late 20's/early 30's is a time in life where you face you own mortality. maybe a parent has died or at least had a brush with death. maybe you're already a parent. or you're figuring out if you want to marry or have kids with your partner. if the career you chose should be what you pursue for the rest of your life. i'd say, from personal experience, this time in your life is worse than high school.

in high school you don't really have an option of where to live, unless you have divorced parents. in your late 20's/early 30's you can move anywhere, even if you don't have much money. i was still working retail when i packed it all in and moved to nyc. any city is easy to be poor in. those with mass transit are much easier. unless you have a child at that point in your life, the world really is your oyster; good, bad or otherwise.

i think what makes me saddest about shannon's death is the wasted potential. shannon was so smart, so funny, so kind. she could've picked up and moved to boston, to ny, hell even to london! and made a life for herself.

trying to take the lessons she taught me and apply them to my daily life is the best i can do to help keep her memory alive. as i lay here typing with sparkle gold nail polish, wearing a hot pink & leopard print betsey johnson robe, (both that she'd love!), i remember to do as shannon did...

make yourself happy, even if that happiness is corny or hokey in someone else's eyes. get that tattoo your friends roll their eyes about. go see the cheesy band you loved in high school and sing your fucking heart out to the songs. stay in bed all day watching bad 80's comedies if that's going to make you happier than checking things off an eternal responsible adult to do checklist. do what "isn't done". wear a sox hat to a yanks bar. go to your family bbq in whatever outfit pleases you, not one your aunt millie won't critique...

do you.

life is short. don't live recklessly non-stop, but live.

in memory of shannon robie
RIP xoxo