i'm shipping up to boston

boston bound 4th of july.
to say my goodbyes to my dc girl who leaves soon for hawaii!
happy/sad

holy hangover batman!

i face the future with a drink in my right
eyes to the sparkling gloom...

if it keeps on rainin'...

don't it make you feel bad?
when you're tryin to find your way home?
you don't know which way to go?

after avoiding my past...
tonight i reunite with it.
years and years in the making.
totally surreal.
a plane lands from tx in ny.
no idea what to expect.

then syracuse tomorrow.
"this is your life!"

"year of the rat"

Expansive and conservative forces collide. This might create unwanted stress on Monday. Tuesday supports a fresh start. If you've wanted to make a change, this is the time to do your homework. Be realistic. Are you financially able to accomplish your plans? A passionate person may bring unexpected drama midweek. Job and family interests are only part of the picture. Focus on health concerns later this week. Are you getting enough sleep? Say yes to friends this weekend.

drama?
can i please just hide under the covers?!?
ten bucks this is about my mom's surprise party. me starting WWIII between her siblings over if my gram should attend or not...

sleep?
no, i don't sleep, i dream...

hummingbirds are winding down...

first day of summer.
father's day.
added a bit of color to my life.

summer: phase I complete...

this conversation is ending, starting right now...

tomorrow is father's day. and the summer soulstice. since i'm getting tattooed early on, i'm writing this now so i won't forget or get sidetracked or whatever...

came back from my trip to ireland feeling like a different person. mellowed out. refocused.

my cousin shane, who's 36 and married with an 18 month old baby and another on the way, was sitting and talking to me about life. after i played football with him and his friends on a weeknight at 10 pm. sun was still up. glass of spanish wine in my hand. havianas on my feet. jeans. hoodie. no dressing up in ireland unless you're some lass tarted up going out to the pub to find yourself a man. (in words my dad would use.)

shane is the one i can hang with more than all the rest of my cousins in ireland. we like the same music. he's really into education, reading. (as a teacher and coach, he should be!) surfs. has travelled the world.

sometimes someone says a thing to you. just some really basic truth. but since you've never heard those words in that certain way, it resonates with you more than if they had launched into a whole explanation of why they think this way.

shane says to me: "life is as simple or as complex as you make it."

not really rocket science, i know. but usually i need a good kick in the ass. someone to tell me to shut the fuck up. to be patient. to think with my head and not go with my gut.

i'm really strong. independent. stubborn. just like my dad.

on this father's day eve, i'm very thankful that he's taught me everything he has, both in deeds and in words.

a couple of my good friends have lost their dads. my sister has lost her mom.

never know if it's ok to bring these people up. am so thankful that i have my dad still. but i know that on the day that i don't, no matter how far in the future that day is, he always lives on in my heart and my brain.

tomorrow i'm getting tattooed. hummingbirds. double meaning. it's from the last cd of one of my favorite bands, knapsack. my grandpa also used to make hummingbird feeders and hang them outside their home in rural madison county, ny. during the time when i was going through my teen angst bullshit, my grandpa, (mom's dad), served as my dad.

grandpa stanton was as old school as you can get. he was raised one of eleven children on a farm in madison county. his dad owned a farm and was also the high school principal. held all his kids to a really high standard of achievement. grandpa took a few classes in agriculture at the local college, but really liked to work with his hands. became a carpenter and a total DIY guy. changed his own oil, rebuilt cars, fixed anything that broke, built me a swing that was the best present that a little 4 year old inner-city kid could ever get!

rex was the only one to yell at me when i got my first tattoo at 18. but somehow this one i don't think he'll mind. i'm having my friend steve who's doing it hide my grandparents initials in the design. was never into "dad" and "mom" tattoos. not going to cover myself with names like some norman rockwell painting.

grandma will see it next weekend when i'm home for my mom's surprise 50th birthday that i still need to finish planning. she'll just shake her head and say my name with that inflection reserved for ladies born in 1920 who have no filter...

happy father's day for tomorrow to all my guy friends with kids!

post script...
this one is for mike. and my "other dad" bob.
RIP jack morgan & rex stanton. real men. class acts.

The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through. -s.h.p.

bulwark.

A Sagittarius born on November 26 is achievement-oriented and likes to do things their way. They can use practical means to bring about seemingly impractical goals. They seem hotheaded and stubborn; this doesn't come from ego but from innocent self-confidence. They believe their way is the best way.

November 26 natives are self-disciplined and centered. Practical in romantic matters, they don't really enjoy playing the field once they've set their sights on a potential mate. Unlike most Sagittarians, they are happy to settle down and start a family.

People born on this date are the bulwark of their family

Their goal is ultimate wisdom.

November 26 people would rather struggle than have things come easily.

They have emotional toughness and feel that only through hard work can they regard themselves as successful. Despite their common-sense attitude, they don't necessarily strive to achieve practical goals. They're just as likely to wish for the impossible. The only difference is their ability to accomplish it.

last thursday:

wake up super early.
put contacts into eyes which want to reject them.
forcefeed myself oatmeal that olive or paul has made.
decide how to layer for dublin weather that could rain/hail/be sunny/be windy.
get dropped off at train station in ennis.
get on train to limerick.
every car is taken up by a school trip. (freckle faced irish children chattering is the cutest, but not before i've had coffee.)
ipod dies after 30 mins. (forgot my charger cause i packed while drinking the night before i left.)
switch trains at limerick for dublin.
all the announcements are in irish first, then english. (this was not the case in 1998.)
watch the cows, horses, green fields, rolling hills, all the stuff that makes ireland "the emerald isle" fly past my train window.
wander around for 6 hours in dublin, getting lost, people watching, taking photos, playing tourist.
got lost on way to jameson plant and ended up in a dodgy area on a hill above the courts. gave up and skipped it.

8.3.09

single serving movie.

my in-flight movie was "he's just not that into you". there were some funny moments. it was pretty trite, but most women under the age of 25 need to be reminded that they are indeed programmed by society to feel the emotions they feel in regards to marriage and commitment.

basically take equal parts "singles" and "high fidelity", add in a dash of "love actually", stir...and you have "he's just not that into you"!

"singles" t shirt scene with "i was just nowhere near your house" is a direct parallel to pen scene.
bridget fonda does neurotic in a way hotter, more convincing package than ginnifer goodwin.
and with period clothes which will always stand the test of time!

the one great thing that was verbalized in the movie was the need to cut down on the ways in which we communicate. people say a lot every day without saying anything that matters.

recently i was having a conversation via text messaging that was, to me at least, too important to carry on via texting. so what did i do? i called the person i was typing to.

lately too many people are surprised by an actual phone call instead of a text or a response to a twitter or a comment on a facebook post. highly educated individuals tend to dumb themselves down these days for mass consumption.

you just never know.

american skin.

you don't realize just how american you are until you leave. am constantly reminded of this fact.

on one hand i wish i had another week or month here, on the other i can't wait to get home...

as we're told.

sitting at my cousins' in ennis. drinking vodka in front of a fire. listening to the boss.

today was lowkey. got kidnapped by margaret and tony after my 10 mile hike along the cliffs of moher. they live outside of ennis 'in the country'. no walking back to olive's, my homebase, from there! since they made the executive decision last visit that, for the safety of myself and the residents of town, i am NOT allowed to rent a car, i remain at the mercy of the fam for rides around.

the cliffs are where 'the princess bride' was filmed. my favorite place in the world. (not that i've seen much of the world thusfar...) want my ashes to be scattered off these cliffs when i die.

hike was with a walking group. we crisscrossed through public and private lands. saw butterflies and wildflowers. the beauty of the ocean and the steep cliffs always takes my breath away. you realize just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things. how old these cliffs are and how short your life is.

said to someone recently that i was sick of being in control of the decisions in my own life. this week has handed the controls over to my many cousins. life has been planned for me. i just show up where i'm supposed to be and speak up if i'm absolutely opposed to what is going on.

for the first time in a long time i'm listening instead of talking. focusing. one thing at a time. not bothered by a constant barrage of information. taking it slow. enjoying being disconnected.

day 3 of my new life.

yesterday went with rosie to lahinch beach. looked into surfing lessons. today shane told me that they are a waste of time, since he has his wife's old wetsuit, a board i can use and 15 years surfing experience.

shane's proctoring leaving exams that got screwed up. kids got given the wrong test. in ireland colleges pick you at the end of your secondary school based on tests, instead of you picking where you'd like to go. our cousin didn't get into the music program she wanted, so she took a year off to work and take classes part-time.

today is a hang out by myself day, which i'm fine with. everyone has errands, plans, etc. i'm headed to the shops in town in a few. see if the de valera museum is open. send some post cards. take photos. go to the friary.

slept like a rock again last night. didn't go out on a friday night. instead olive and paul and jameson and leonard cohen and this band called the sawdoctors who are a mashup between REM and traditional irish music. then some natalie merchant and paul's advice on life in general and careers in ny in particular. (they lived in queens for years before moving back here after olive's mom/my great aunt died.)

the third time seems to be the charm for me! this trip is easier, more fun, more relaxed than the previous two. not sure if it's my age, state of mind or a combination of those.

off to roam around ennis and the river fergus...

forget everything you know.

facebook thinks i'm trying to hack myself right now.
my cousin rosie is waiting for me in her car waiting to drive me to my great aunt's grave, then the beach, while listening to rhianna on clare radio.
on clare radio they interrupt the top 40 songs to announce deaths. so goth. rosie turns it up to see who she knows. she could run for mayor of ennis. between herself and her husband, who's a postmaster, they know EVERYONE!
last night i go to see my cousin natalie do open mic night. she's got an amazing voice, jealous cause mine sounds like a drowning cat. she covers garbage, dressed in a manner that i would've been dressed on my first visit to the homeland in 1999. baggy jeans, trainers, tank top.
rosie is now coming up the steps, impatient. i have heard "jesus mary and joseph! exlaimed at least 10x today. 5 fecks.
now i'm getting yelled at....

beach! graves! hooray!

i am going, i am going...

Jun 4
Partly Cloudy
70°
50°
0%

Jun 5
PM Light Rain
63°
45°

Jun 6
PM Light Rain
55°
45°
60%

Jun 7
Partly Cloudy
59°
46°
20%

Jun 8
Cloudy
60°
46°
20%

Jun 9
Showers
62°
48°
60%

Jun 10
Scattered Showers
63°
50°
30%

Jun 11

Partly Cloudy
63°
50°
20%

63°F
Fri
Jun 12

Partly Cloudy
63°
50°
10%

"any which way the wind may be blowing
i am going i am going
where streams of whiskey are flowing..."

superstitions in travel.

get a text last night from my sister. she's flying to paris. waiting for the cabin to be closed. the size of her plane is making her nervous. she hates flying. i've been in planes way more than she has. wish i was next to her to calm her down.

remember a trip to louisville for a big fest. "krazyfest". my traveling partner had the worst flying anxiety. for whatever reason i can have a calming effect when i want to. let her clutch my hand til there is no circulation left in my fingers. she curls up into an almost fetal position, or as fetal as you can get while belted into an airline seat. the flight's only about an hour. my friend didn't take drugs, like she normally did. i rub her back and say soothing things for the duration of the flight.

my first flight was in my uncle's biplane. both my mom's brothers were pilots. the oldest had his pilot's license before his driver's license. going up in this antique plane that uncle jimmy restored with his own hands made me pretty much fearless when it comes to flying.

don't get me wrong i have no illusion that i'm indestructible, but whatever happens happens. i'm not a control freak, like most people who have panic attacks when flying. statistically, there are way better odds of me dying in a cab in ny than on a flight across the atlantic ocean.

first commercial flight was cross country and as turbulent as they come. thunderstorm, oxygen masks dropped at one point. my grandma morgan was with me, going to see the irish/portugese cousins in tacoma. gram had been back and forth to ireland a ton, to australia, israel and a ton of other places. by some stroke of bad luck, our seats weren't even together. as all this chaos is happening in flight, she's talking to me from behind me. my sixth grade self trusted that if she said everything was going to be ok, it would be.

the first time i touched down in ireland on that first trip i remember seeing all the green that i'd heard about for my entire life. immediately thinking of grandma and wishing i was with her instead of my then boyfriend.

twelve hours til takeoff...

"perhaps the ship on the label reminds people of travel
and who doesn't like to travel?"-jameson ad on subway





horoscope: "it is really a question of letting go of the old completely, so that the new can enter your life."

vacation, all i ever wanted...

vacation had to get away...

jinx PROOFED!

(rabbit rabbit)

operation.