hibernation.

i haven't written anything in awhile. the pace i set for myself when this blog project began was hard to keep up with long term. initially i had lots and lots to say that i'd been storing up for awhile. now that most of it has been purged, i'm in the calm after the storm. 

the days leading up to turning 30 life felt like a snowball rolling down a hill, picking up momentum, adding to its mass. then eventually a point at the bottom of the hill is reached where you don't have the ability to roll anymore...

happy birthday to me.

30 years ago today in the midst of a blizzard in syracuse, ny i was born. it's official, i made it to my third decade. woohoo! 

turning around.

"cause you had what everyone wants, don't you know?

you just watched everything die, yeah you let a good thing go.

you had what everyone wants, don't you know?

you just watched everything die, yeah you let a good thing go.

did you get what you want from me?

i've done things you can't believe.

i'm not that person anymore.

i'm so much different than before.

you have no idea. 

you have no idea.

you waited your whole life for things to change.

you held your breath for so long you got nothin' to say to me...

you broke your own damn heart."

making a list, checking it twice.

reasons i could never live in LA:

1) i'd miss the seasons. having the same weather every day is kind of like being on prozac. of course i bitch about winter here, but i'd really miss it. xmas without snow isn't much of a holiday to me.

2) it's utterly ridiculous that driving somewhere in the middle of the day will take 15 minutes, but to get to that same place at rush hour takes 3 hours. utterly ridiculous.

3) the fact that i'd get skin cancer within 5 minutes of moving there. i'm that pale. 

4) earthquakes. 

5) barbie lookalikes.

i'm sure i can think of a bunch more, but that was just off the top of my head. 

the only reasons i would move to LA:

1) amanda.

2) maggie.

3) sara. 

my east coast transplant girls rule. 

thank you for your support!

i distinctly remember years ago thinking about how old i'd be when i stopped going to shows...

back then i never pictured being almost 30 and going to a house show, drinking bartles and james in a driveway because rachel thought it was funny to buy it. then, when everyone goes in to smush together to watch blake from jawbreaker's new band, hanging off the side of a van parked in the driveway to peer into a window for a glimpse of the band.

thorns of life is blake's new band. (bad name, great sound.) the drumming is a bit pop punk, but the vocals are classic blake. i was really into it and psyched to be at a DIY show.

the house was so packed that you couldn't walk through to get outside. people kept going up to the gate at the end of the driveway, thinking it was unlocked. watching people rattle the gate in hopes of escaping one lyric kept going through my head...

"no ins. no outs."

i'm so excited!

and i just can't hide it!!!

got some awesome secret news. i'll share tomorrow...

i'm moving mountains with my eyes closed...

went to bed early last night after an action-packed weekend. friday night i attended a wedding at the brooklyn botanical gardens. saturday was my faux birthday. by sunday my recently sprained ankle was throbbing after 2 nights dancing in high heels. decided to call it a night way before my usual bedtime.

slept for a few hours, woke up, slept for a few hours, woke up. vivid dreams about windows that slid open vertically instead of horizontally. watching out the window and seeing a group of airplanes all hovering like helicopters, instead of being on separate flight paths. a bed that was huge, which i realized was my old bed pushed up against my new bed. 

according to the dream dictionary online airplanes are symbolic of "overcoming obstacles" and "greater awareness". 

windows symbolize "bright hopes" and "vast possibilities".

beds are symbolic of "looking for domestic peace".

all of these are pretty positive things for my entrance into the next decade of existence!

november's spawn.

my birthday party was this weekend. decided to celebrate early in hopes that some people would be able to make it who'd ordinarily be away the week of thanksgiving.

since it was the big 3-0, (er, will be the big 3-0.), i'd decided awhile ago to have a theme party. got it into my head that a tiki party in november was a funny idea. so i booked the back room at otto's shrunken head. then cross my fingers enough of my friends would come out that it wouldn't be a total waste of space/money. and it wasn't!

i had an amazing night. thanks to everyone who showed up. especially to nicole, erika and matt for coming long distances to celebrate! love you guys. 

16 days til the real birthday...

 

yes we did!!!

so psyched to see what the next 4 years has in store! 

glad my friend sarah is there in chicago, watching obama's speech in person right now. 4 years ago we were sitting together on her bed in syracuse, watching kerry lose ground in what we thought was a sure thing. 

the 44th president of the united states speaking on my grandma's 88th birthday. woodrow wilson was in office when she was born. babe ruth got traded from the sox to the yanks. prohibition began. it's long past gram's usual bedtime, but i know she's excited to see this historic election's result. 

strange currencies.

wake in a panic because the amount of sunlight streaming through the window above my bed makes me think it's later than it is, that my alarm never went off this morning. check my phone for the time. it's 7:07 am.

i awake from a recurring dream. a variation on a theme. kind of a "this is your life". 

in the beginning of the dream, i'm walking around my hometown with my grandma. (her birthday's in 2 days and i was thinking about sending her flowers.) seeing the places i used to hang out, work, go to school. 

then she disappears and i'm in an apartment with a bunch of people i know, but haven't seen in a long time. there is no furniture in the apartment. but there is a small tv on the floor. and a land line. i think the presence of an actual phone in an apartment inhabited by people my age is bizarre. 

the one thing all the people in the room have in common is that they have very non-traditional jobs doing exactly what they set out to do. at one point i am explaining what i do for a living and that it is the third incarnation of "what do i want to do with my life?" 

(third time is the charm? maybe.)

a music video starts showing on the small television. it's an aquatic, undersea theme that i'm really into. but at the end it is revealed that the "sea" is actually the human body and the water creatures actually lived in the blood. i like the video less after that revelation.

i'm in syracuse, in a neighborhood i knew/know well. look out the window in this furniture-less apartment and see a huge hill that was never there. the little lights from all the houses twinkling in the distance. 

in waking from this dream i try to remember as many details as possible, but i also try to piece together why the people in the dream were present. the best i can figure out is a single line email sent by one of my boston friends, a halloween costume that rendered someone unrecognizable, thoughts pushed to the back corners of my mind.

i was a vampire for hallowen.

but i'd never want to live forever.

it's taking too much effort to wrap my head around the past 29 years.

postscript...

"i'm always wanting more

anything i haven't got

everything

i want it all

i just can't stop.

planning all my days away

but never finding ways to stay

or ever feel enough today

tomorrow must be more...

but however hard i want

i know deep down inside

i'll never really get more hope

or any more time..."

Día de los Muertos.

it's odd to wake up with dried fake blood on you that didn't wash off before you went to sleep. for a split second you forget that the previous night was halloween and the blood is fake. that you didn't just awake from some type of freddy krueger style dream.

today is day of the dead in latin cultures. i really want to go down to mexico one year for this. a group of people i know went last year and had a blast. i almost made it down in 2002. work interfered. one day i'll make it...

"Day of the dead in Mexico represents a mixture of Christian devotion and Pre-Hispanic traditions and beliefs. As a result of this mixture, the celebration comes to life as a unique Mexican tradition including an altar and offerings dedicated to the deceased. 

The altar includes four main elements of nature--earth, wind, water and fire. 

Earth is represented by crop: The Mexicans believe the souls are fed by the aroma of food. 

Wind is represented by a moving object: Tissue paper is commonly used to represent wind. 

Water is placed in a container for the soul to quench its thirst after the long journey to the altar. 

Fire is represented by a wax candle: Each lit candle represents a soul, and an extra one is placed for the forgotten soul." -dayofthedead.com

postscript...

my friends had a day of the dead bride and groom cake topper on their wedding day. thought it was really cute. 

"bring your bored

bring your broken hearted

we've got a vessel that we've charted

into the wide open sea

the two of us dearly departed.

bring a book with a happy ending

a remix of the message sending

headless dreams of guillotines

sharpened clean, never ending..."

all hallows eve.

happy halloween!

my two best halloween costumes were lydia from beetlejuice, (except the long-term effects of dying my hair black using manic panic, and the subsequent stripping of the color to get it back to normal), and cruella deville.

wonder what i'm being this year? here's a hint:

edgar: "you think you really know what's happening here, don't you? well, i'll tell you something, you don't know shit, buddy."

alan: "yeah? you think we just work at a comic book store for our folks, huh?"

sam: "actually, i thought it was a bakery."

edgar: "this is just a cover, we're dedicated to a higher purpose. we're fighters for truth, justice and the american way."

bridge & tunnel.

i get to take in this view every morning on my way to work. the new commute is 3x as long as my old one, but i think seeing this skyline every day and feeling a little bit more connected to the city is well worth it. 

accident prone.

in a couple hours i was *supposed* to be doing a boxing clinic to raise money for breast cancer led by the trainer who whipped hillary swank into shape for "million dollar baby".

instead i decided to run down a few steps after boxing on thursday night, tripped, fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle really badly. it is now 2x the size it should be and all black and blue. 

in four years i've never fallen in the subway. of course i'd have to manage this right before an event i was really excited about and now can't participate in.

i have fallen outside of niagara in shoes that weren't very sensible, after getting pizza, wearing a really short skirt at 4 am. 

i have fallen outside my own front door in a torrential downpour because my shoes slipped in a puddle. 

also i have fallen by myself in vegas on the strip, stone cold sober, after walking around for hours by myself when all the people i was with for my friend's 30th birthday went to bed at 11 pm and i wasn't ready to call it a night. walked around vegas people watching. right by our hotel, when i was calling it a night, my sandal slid out from under me when i slipped on one of those glossy color stripper fliers that were everywhere. i fell down hard on my knee, which was as swollen then as my ankle is now.

one time, in syracuse, i was going from the parking lot on marshall street, ("the beach"), down to the street below after getting out of carrie and courtney's car. we were headed to zopie's. i slipped on some mud and slid all the way down the hill, one side of me covered in mud. still went in the coffee shop. i'm pretty sure it was after lifeguarding and i was wearing my Syracuse Dept of Parks & Rec tank top with a bathing suit and shorts. covered in mud.

they never let me live that one down...

"7 times out of 10 we listen to our music at night..."

my vote for best music to put yourself to sleep. (in a good way!)

the change in weather is making me super lethargic. i'm in hibernation mode. we took the air conditioning units out of the windows in the apartment and finally turned on the heat last night. 

tuesday night i went to a cmj show that didn't start until 1 am. way too old for that nonsense! was a zombie all day at work. once home i took a 45 minute nap with my hands between my knees for warmth cause my room was so frigid. woke up with numb hands and went out into a living room full of people. ordered delivery from life cafe. attempted to wake up.

later i couldn't sleep after the nap threw off my schedule. finally remembered to put the rachel's cd on my ipod. used that to lull myself to dreamland. 

hooligan for life.

"you live in the problems you decided to build..."

wasn't too thrilled about CMJ. there was maybe one show i had any interest in seeing. that is until i found out that rival schools was playing the syndicate party at rebel last night. 

my roommate had gotten tickets to their nj show next month after the ny show sold out. i checked that day and nj was sold out too. 

living in syracuse had its perks. i miss the days of being able to pull strings and get myself on guest lists cause no one had friends upstate. instead i got used to the idea i was missing out on rival schools.

got into their semi-secret show last night. front and center with the only two people i'd want to see the band with. 

met walter for the millionth time. he was talking about balancing the rock life with being a dad and having a family. before the show he'd been in queens, tucking his kid in. it was cute to hear him speak about life after touring, especially since i know so many who've tried to strike that balance. both successfully and not so successfully.

the highlight of the set was "how soon is now". i felt like i was 16 again during "the switch". 

enjoy my blurry photos via camera phone. 

tick tock tick tock...

what an uplifting image google gave me when i searched "30th birthday cake"! i hope someone makes me this gem...

a mere 40 days left of my 20's. 

tick tock tick tock...

"Do peoples' personalities change after 30? They can, according to researchers who examined 132,515 adults age 21-60 on the personality traits known as the "Big Five": conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, openness and extraversion. These findings are reported in the May issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association (APA)." -ScienceDaily (May 13, 2003)

"Conscientiousness is the trait of being painstaking and careful, or the quality of acting according to the dictates of one's conscience. It includes such elements as self-discipline, carefulness, thoroughness, organization, deliberation and need for achievement. It is an aspect of what was traditionally called character."

i would consider myself conscientious. if i do something that i know is "wrong" i have the worst guilty conscience of anyone i know. chalk it up to catholic guilt. 

"Agreeableness is a tendency to be pleasant and accommodating in social situations. Empathetic, considerate, friendly, generous and helpful. They also have an optimistic view of human nature. They tend to believe that most people are honest, decent and trustworthy."

hmmmm.....i am pleasant and accommodating at work because i have to be. sometimes this leaves little pleasantness for "social situations". but i'm not running for any political office and my real friends know that i can be moody. i've been smarter, as of late, about just not going out when i know i'm less than pleasant. my quota of friends is filled and i'm not really taking new applicants. pretty much go by the "treat people as they treat me" rule. if i'm not the nicest to you, you've probably not been the nicest to me in the past...

i am very generous. to a fault even. 

as far as thinking people are basically good, depends on the situation. i take things on a case-by-case basis.

"Neuroticism can be defined as an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states. Individuals more likely than the average to experience such feelings as anxiety, anger, guilt and clinical depression. They respond more poorly to environmental stress and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations and threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy."

my mom  is manic-depressive. she can't deal with stress and shuts down when too many things go wrong in succession. (i.e. her grandmother dying while she was going through a separation with my dad. her mom being sick while she was having trouble at work.) 

for years i was really worried that my moodiness would turn the corner into full blown depression. it never did. but i also have coping mechanisms that my mom never did. a support system. the ability to talk about my problems, not brood over them.

there was/is a huge stigma associated with mental illness. i think only one of my friends in high school knew about what my mom went through. she thought she was stronger than her disease and didn't want to be on meds. most of the time she was. and was able to manage on her own. but when negative things happened in twos or threes that she couldn't control, she shut down.

when things go wrong for me i power through. no sulking and crying like i did when i was an angst filled teen. i just do what needs to be done. that's when i feel like i'm really living. 

oh and i'm not shy. or anxiety filled. nor do i think ordinary things are a threat. 

"Openness involves active imagination, aesthetic sensitivity, attentiveness to inner feelings, preference for variety and intellectual curiosity."

based on these traits of openness, i am wide open. very open. too open?

"Extraverted people are gregarious, assertive and generally seek out excitement."

i am more gregarious than not. always assertive, to the point of annoyance often. seeking out too much excitement in my world equals seeking trouble.

trouble loves me.

rooting for the underdog.

went to meet up with my friend chris last night before we went back to SF. having your best guy friend move to the other side of the country sucks when your friendship is deeply rooted in gossiping like teenage girls. 

chris went to college in syracuse. i've known him since i was like 15 or 16 from shows. we can't really remember when we first met. there was another kid who looked like him vaguely. the two of us were so different in every way, besides liking the same bands, that i have no idea why we were such good friends. 

lost touch after i'd been in dc for years and he moved to ny. rachel and i went to an errortype:11 show at brownies and i saw some dude in an SU jacket. turned out it was chris. we started talking again. 

every time i went down to the city after that visit we made a point to hang out. i drank by then, he still didn't. he got to babysit me during various nights out at beauty bar, barmacy, motor city. bars closed at 2 at home and 4 in the city. i could never make it past 2 during my visits. chris ditched me to go home with cute girls many times, which i never minded because i got to sleep in his bed while he was in theirs. instead of that damn futon in the living room.

now chris is the one who is "visiting" ny. the one who can't make it til 4 because he's so drunk he's getting in arguments with cabbies, during which i walk a safe distance away and pretend that i'm not with him. spanish guys saying "is that your man? you better make sure he doesn't get arrested!" 

danielle, chris' ex that's still a good friend, meets us at the levee. d and i become engrossed in the red sox game. she's from boston and rooting for big papi and her boys. i like the working class ethic of the sox over the elitist yanks any day. since my mets are out of contention, i'll support boston. we devour cheeseballs and twizzlers while watching the sox come from behind to win. 

i realize after our celebratory shots of jameson that i barely talked to chris all night and he's leaving at 7 am. there are always late night phone calls when i realize he's still awake in california to remedy that situation. 

for tarbell. 

all those changes are for the better.

keep livin' the dream!

postscript...

"i've been told decisive isn't helpful 

but sometimes it cures

the slow into resourceful

with reaction as the lure

simple doesn't matter

disguised as the complex

a fraction of disaster 

and we try to forget for too long..."

that's debatable.

12 minutes in and i'm already sick of hearing about "joe the plumber". ugh! 

communiqué.

the internet has created this disconnect between real human beings and people being whatever they want you to see. so many create personas based on what they want open for mass consumption. i'm definitely guilty of deleting unflattering pictures of myself, but to go as far as photoshopping images? no way! 

seeing someone in the flesh that i haven't actually seen in forever, but speak to over the magical worldwide interweb, there is a certain preconceived notion of what they will be like based on what information is put out there. people have turned into concepts. 

it's amazing to me that in your mid to late 20's, or 30's even, you can formulate this entity which isn't you. i'm sure people do it on those online dating sites, which i've never used. i'm not sure which is worse, normal women who lie about their weight to be more attractive to joe average or hipster girls who create a whole myspacefriendsterfacebook profile filled with all the bands you are *supposed* to like and books you *should* enjoy. if you can't be yourself at 25, who are you trying to be? some archetype of what misshapes dj's think is cool? a person who would be profiled in "vice"? whatever will get you laid by the most dudes with painted on girl jeans tucked into dunks? get thee to a shrink...

postscript...

"i don't even know you

but you're making me heave.

you talk of the old school

but you're only 19.

you and your bros like to act real hard

and you really know how to dress the part

well you can get your ass to the back of the car

cause you've got nothin' to say.

why are you here?

lookin like you've been anesthetized.

we see the same thing every year

just a bunch of robots in disguise.

has it ever crossed your mind

there's other ways to waste your time?

and you don't need my advice

anything that gets you through the night..."

i'm gonna stay young until i die.

almost daily i get questions about the tattoo on my wrist. my responses very depending on my mood. anything from: "it's my favorite bar over by penn station. i'm going to get bennigans on my other wrist", to the real meaning. at least what it means to me.

my other tattoos are on my back. so i can forget about them. this one is in my face every day. sometimes i wonder why i got it there. other days i am glad i did. i don't regret it. yet!

it serves as a reminder that no matter how old i am, no matter how adult i have to be on a daily basis, i should be young at heart. when i'm 85 i don't think i'll disagree. at least i hope not...

postscript...

"will i still want to be  someone?

and not just sit around?

i don't want to be like other adults

cause they've already died

cool and condescending

fossilized." 

true til death.

sorry for the graphic nature of the picture above, but walking in astoria to my friends' apartment yesterday afternoon i saw a bunch of skinned whole goats in a butcher shop window. it always serves as a great reminder to me of why i don't eat meat.

i could never hunt, skin, de-bone and cook an animal. people have this disconnect between the food on their plate and the animal that it once was. as long as the processing of the meat goes on behind closed doors, where they don't have to think about what goes on, they are fine with being a carnivore. 

this is the first time in a long, long time i've written about anything of this nature. i am far from the preachy vegetarian. years ago i was vegan for a couple years, but ended up going back to eating dairy. i am not on some crusade to "recruit" people to my way of life. 

there is one "vegan", er freegan?, in my office who constantly annoys people with her tirades. this is not the way to win friends and influence people. i never even touch upon the subject with her since our views are pretty opposing. my boss of three years didn't even know i was veggie until she was racking her brains for a lunch spot that could accommodate someone from another company who was. 

because i don't eat meat i am constantly subjected to little comments, jokes, jibes from family and friends alike. my irish grandpa used to go to market and buy a live goose for holiday dinners. one favorite story was when my uncle sean was a toddler, grandpa thought it would be funny to put the live goose in his playpen and watch him be chased around by the bird. the same animal would then be taken out back, put on a stump and beheaded, then plucked and sectioned into the meat that would be christmas dinner.

my mom's dad was a hunter. he grew up on a farm in rural upstate ny, one of ten kids. his dad owned a farm but was a high school principal as well. gramp just didn't understand when his 15 year old granddaughter decided to only eat vegetables. this was a man who grew up in the depression, so all the food options given to him later in life were luxuries. he had no problem tracking and killing an animal, but he also loved the cats and dogs they had at home.

the reasons i stopped eating meat are very different from the reasons i continue to not eat meat. but every time i go out to eat with a large group of people to a fancy ny restaurant i feel like i shouldn't have to justify the fact that i'm ordering pasta instead of whatever exotic meat offering there is. just like i would never ask anyone the reason they ate meat, or attack them for doing so.

"if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian."-paul mccartney

"one farmer says to me, "you cannot live on vegetable food solely, for it furnishes nothing to make the bones with;" and so he religiously devotes a part of his day to supplying himself with the raw material of bones; walking all the while he talks behind his oxen, which, with vegetable-made bones, jerk him and his lumbering plow along in spite of every obstacle."-thoreau

ill repute.

"the easiest way to get a reputation is to go outside the fold, shout around for a few years as a violent atheist or a dangerous radical, and then crawl back to the shelter."-fitzgerald

"one can survive anything these days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation."-wilde

"time, which alone makes the reputation of men, ends by making their defects respectable."-voltaire

"reputation is an idle and most false imposition; oft got without merit, and lost without deserving."-the bard

"i don't give a damn 'bout my reputation. i've never been afraid of any deviation. and i don't really care if ya think i'm strange. i ain't gonna change. an i'm never gonna care bout my bad reputation."-joan jett

WWJJD? 

"that was the night everything changed..."

"According to the "Butterflies" chapter in "Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things, by Lafcadio Hearn, a butterfly is seen as the personification of a person's soul; whether they be living, dying, or already dead. One Japanese superstition says that if a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, the person who you most love is coming to see you." 

during the last game at shea stadium i kept seeing a butterfly flying around. an orange one. kept thinking what an odd place that was for a butterfly to be...

postscript...

"change everything you are

and everything you were

your number has been called

fights and battles have begun

revenge will surely come

your hard times are ahead

best 

you've got to be the best

you've got to change the world

and use this chance to be heard

your time is now...

don't let yourself down

don't let yourself go

your last chance has arrived..."

a storm is brewing. 

work perks.

1. free cds. lots of them. some record labels send a copy to every music producer. weird compilations. soundtracks. xmas songs. etc.

2. there is a bar. it's very disconcerting. to have a few drinks in a pub with dark wood, music, dim lighting. and then come out into the florescent lit beige hallway that is your office. many nights i've snuck back to my cube, hoping my boss wouldn't hear me grabbing my coat. being irish is a horrible curse. i turn a bright shade of red when i'm drunk. it's my "tell". 

we've joked about putting up a poster next to my friend's cube to secretly tunnel in and grab bottles of vodka on especially stressful days. (a la "rita hayworth and the shawshank redemption".)

3. free food. there are always conferences and meetings. too much food gets ordered. being on the executive floor, my coworkers and i get to forage through the remains. which usually are made available between 2 and 3 pm, when you've already eaten lunch. 

4. free coffee & tea. thanks starbucks! 

5. signs around the office such as "we won't be silent!" and "remind me again why i work here?" these are all over in the accounting area. they are a fun lot! 

6. shared itunes. so you can feel superior. even though so-and-so makes more money than me, at least i don't like carrie underwood and linkin park. 

this window into my life outside this cubeland usa has also sparked faux conversation between new hires and myself. i have yet to be impressed by anyone in my department's musical taste who isn't a music producer. i'm such a snobby bitch! haha. 

angry woman.

i got this after referencing "mad men", which i have yet to watch a full episode of, since it hits a little too close to home...

"The agency in the 2007 tv series, which is set in 1960, is based on (my ad agency), according to the show's creator, Matthew Weiner. (My agency) is mentioned in at least two episodes."

please refer to the picture above.

red hair....check!

bangs...check!

preference for wearing the color red...check!

oh and the actress herself...

born in 1978...check!

5'8"...check!

if there is someone in plot development stashed away at my office i'm going to be PISSED! chick is stealing my thunder. besides, my vintage clutch purses are much older than the 60's. 

that is all. now i'm back to being fodder for plot lines. feeling as if i were on "the truman show". 

one more thing...will i get more weirded out by watching it? if she's really loud and has a penchant for vodka and jameson i will sue. for reals. 

oh so quiet...

"there's a head on my headphones

along with those eyes that you get

when you circumstance is movie size

it took an hour

maybe a day

but once i really listened

the noise

just went away

it took an hour

maybe a day

but once i really listened

the noise

just went away"

autumn cleaning.

spent part of my afternoon boxing up sundresses, tank tops, summer skirts. stuff that i don't have room to hang up in my new closet.

i've lost a bunch of weight. reshaped my body from what it was three months ago. made a commitment to eating healthier, being smarter about what i drink when i do go out, using my gym membership, listening to what my trainer tells me to do.

the changes have been immense. everyone at work comments about how none of my clothes fit. i don't need as much sleep as i used to. there's a spring in my step that had been absent. 

for whatever reason i kept all my gear that didn't fit. i think subconsciously i knew that i wouldn't let myself be unhappy forever. with how i looked. with my state of mind. 

now i'm in between. can't fit into my most recently purchased clothes. not yet small enough to fit into all my old stuff. 

some of the old clothing has already been purged. since i am so past oriented. i can remember what i wore on a first date, to a funeral, at a wedding, during a fight. the bad mojo some of my stuff had was just too intense to keep around. 

but of course after moving apartments, joining a gym, paying for personal training and some trips that i planned last minute, buying a whole new wardrobe is out of the question at the moment.

are clothes from the year 2000 old enough to be retro yet? 

postscript...

"i don't mind the weather

i've got scarves and caps and sweaters

i've got long johns under slacks for blustery days

i think that it's brainless to assume that making changes

to your window's view will give a new perspective

and the hardest part is yet to come."

lethargy.

this weather has everyone i know sick. i'm battling my fall allergies, which are worse than spring ones for some odd reason.

the weather is gray. i love the chill in the air, but the lack of sunshine is leaving me severely lethargic and lazy. hence the lack of posts on this thing. 

friday night, after ditching friends at the bar when i'd only had one drink, i called erika and got in a conversation about expectations.

erika's lived in the same city, boston, for about 6 years. minus a bit of time spent in ny and dc for internships. did her masters degree and undergrad at the same college. same boyfriend since her freshman year of college. and they are a great couple, not one of those who stay together just because they don't know how to be with anyone else. 

i envy erika's ability to focus and stay in one place. especially since i know she can be just as nomadic and itchy for change as i am. 

nature or nurture? did my single mom's need for us to live a better life every year or so, moving us to a new apartment in a "nicer" area, create my wanderlust? or was it so inherent in my being that i'd be like this even if my parents still resided in a house where i grew up? 

they say you can never go home again. i literally can't. never could. 

my friends in syracuse are my age or younger than me. they own houses, have children, cars, husbands. when i'm up there i have mixed feelings about all these trappings of "adulthood". i zone out when talk turns to real estate, organic baby food, pre-k, all those conversations that i have no knowledge of or experience in. 

spent a whole night at katy and tony's drinking wine and staring at food network like a zombie when another couple with a baby was hanging out with them. 

i don't get those biological clock pangs that so many women talk about. at all. if anything the older i get, the further away i feel like i am from being a mom. i watch the mistakes my friends have made. the bitterness created by having a child with your ex, then moving on to a different phase of your life, yet being tied to this individual for the next 18 years. don't get me wrong, i know some people who can be civil and truly be friends with their child's other parent. but those instances are few and far between.  

my ex's parents hate each other so much that the logistics of him getting married were unfathomable to me. i remember not being invited to his college graduation because he had no idea what kind of brawl would ensue amongst family members. when i found out he was getting hitched recently i joked that i needed to dvr the "jerry springer" episode that it was airing on. 

not being able to enjoy the milestones of life because of the chaos and drama created by those who are supposed to be closest to you is horrible. i'd never want to put a child in that position.

postscript...

"some people think they're always right

others are quiet and uptight

others seem so very nice nice nice nice nice

inside they might feel sad and wrong

29 different attributes

and only 7 that you like

20 ways to see the world

or 20 ways to start a fight

get up 

i can't see the sunshine

i'll be waiting for you baby

cause i'm through

sit me down

shut me up

i'll calm down

and i'll get along with you

oh men don't notice what they got

women think of that a lot

1000 ways to please your man

not even one requires a plan

i know

countless odd religions too

it doesn't matter which you choose

one stubborn way to turn your back

this i've tried

and now refuse...

shut me up

shut me up up up up up 

and i'll get along with you..."

highway to the dangerzone.

mav-er-ick-n. 1. an unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it.

i guess mccain branded palin before anyone else could get to her hockey mom, gosh-darn-it, dumbing herself down for middle america, horrible representation of my gender, feeble mind.

if they are "mavericks", i'll take iceman any day...

what a fool believes.

"and you thought it was only in movies

as you wish all your dreams would come true

it ain't the first time believe me, baby

i'm standin' here feeling blue

yeah i'm blue...

i'll watch the people go shuffling downtown

another ten minutes no longer

and then i'm turning around

the clock on the wall's moving slower

my heart it sinks to the ground...

the thoughts of a fool's kind of careless

i'm just a fool waiting on the wrong block..."

donkeys and elephants.

debate night. 

my downstairs neighbor put a stuffed donkey and a stuffed elephant together on a table inside our entryway. they just appeared one day and scared the hell out of me when i opened the door late one night. 

i love how irate jon stewart has gotten in the past week. 

i hate how the heads of my very capitalist company send emails every day lately about the state of the economy. because we really need to be reminded. and scared for our jobs on a daily basis.

my friend scott posted this quote on myspace that i wanted to share:

"Loading up the nation with debt and leaving it for the following generations to pay is morally irresponsible. Excessive debt is a means by which governments oppress the people and waste their substance. No nation has a right to contract debt for periods longer than the majority contracting it can expect to live." -Thomas Jefferson

everyone should watch the debate tonight. and register to vote if you haven't. 

just push play.

"let it come

well i've got a chance

for a sweet sane life

i said i've got a dance 

it moves into the night 

well i've got a plan

with forward in my eyes..."

end of an era.

last night i went to the last ever baseball game at shea stadium. it was really sad. spent a lot of great times in that ballpark. 

my top shea moments:

#5: getting my photo taken with mr. met.

#4: seeing paul lo duca's last game.

#3: seeing mike piazza's last game.

#2: 2006 national league east championship game.

#1: seeing the reel of old mets highlights followed by fireworks, confetti and the lights going out on shea. even after we just lost the wild card spot. 

i'm a hustler baby.

RIP to a true gentleman, a class act and, most importantly, a great philanthropist.

rebirth of hardcore pride.

going to a "90's hardcore" theme party tonight. my friend jon called me during his week between tours cause he just knew i had a ton of shirts from back in the day still. and he's right!

everyone thinks this is either the lamest idea ever or best idea ever. many suggestions have been made about what i should wear. lamenting all the accessories i rid myself of over the years that would make a perfect outfit... 

my record collection accidentally got thrown away during a move. i thought about lugging them down to ny a bunch of times but always put it off. if i think about the colored vinyl, test presses and just the records i probably will never be able to replace, i get a little teary eyed. 

started to replace stuff. soundgarden has been helpful in this project. too bad i don't go up there more often...

a visit to dc is in order for dcXhc. 

postscript...

first  "real" show. lost horizon. a million degrees. crowded as hell. unfamiliar with any of the bands playing. just there to hang out. discovered one of my faves: 

"pass the salt.

pour it in my wounds.

it looks like you have no friends.

can't keep up with the new trends.

sorry, sorry for myself i don't agree.

no, i always go out eating with my best friends.

it's less than normal.

avoid confusion.

you always know

always know how much you're paying.

i concentrate on,

on what the people say,

the couple next to me..."

exactly 2 months from today!

so psyched to finally put the last nail in the coffin that was this decade! 

final countdown has begun...

parking lot.

it seems to be raining all weekend in ny. 

the label of my honest tea green tea read:

"never be afraid to try something new. 

remember, amateurs built the ark. professionals built the titanic."

there's a parking lot down the street from my apartment. it's behind a tall chain link fence. random cars are parked within. there's also a row boat propped up against the adjacent building. i joked with my roommate and asked her if we could bring it on the train to the rockaways. just carry it over our heads and hope it fits on the subway. 

in the far corner of the lot is a red and white classic convertible. looks really out of place in bushwick. not really sure of the make or year. i zoned out during years of hearing car talk going on around me. 

a few weeks ago i decided that if i had that row boat and that car i'd be all set. i'm not so high maintenance after all.  

let's go crazy!

there's a tv in our elevator at work that shows the unemployment rate. along with uplifting quotes from our country's leaders about the economy. (insert sarcasm here.) great way to start each day! staring at all that. 

i wish i could be one of those people who buried their head in the sand, only read perez hilton and didn't care.

my boss shrieks every time the stock market crashes. the head of finance at my company yelled at me twice last week for nothing having to do with me. 

there may be some correlation between all this and my current levels of vodka consumption...

post script...

"dearly beloved

we are gathered here today

to get through this thing called life

electric word life

it means forever 

and that's a mighty long time...

cause in this life

things are much harder than in the afterworld

you're on your own

and if the elevator tries to bring you down

go crazy!

punch a higher floor!

if you don't like the world you're living in

take a look around you

at least you got friends

are we gonna let the elevator break us down? 

oh no! 

let's go!" 

now serving 78.

over the past month i've lost two friends. it makes me sad. but at the same time both were a lot of work. emotionally draining. and not really there for me when i needed someone, anyone. 

there are other "friends". associates more like it. people who i have hung out with ever since i moved to ny. who haven't contacted me at all since i moved. i'll see them when i see them. and hopefully they won't be petty and childish. i can't really predict the future.

if these people really knew me. bothered to have a real conversation. they would have seen the changes in my life coming a mile away. 

rachel saw it coming. 

katy saw it coming. 

taryn saw it coming. 

monique saw it coming. 

my sister saw it coming. 

hell, even my father did. 

dad, who stopped me mid sentence on the phone a couple months ago to tell me he "didn't feel comfortable talking about" my emotions and suggested i call my aunt or my cousin.  

post script...

"all roads lead the same direction

we all see eye to eye

won't stand for a bad connection

we came to keep things tight

prove this, prove that

proving is nothing

let's all just be ourselves

focused with the right aggression...

when it's us versus them

you can always count on me"

this town's disaster.

"i'm watching these blue skies turn to grey

and all these "friendships" fade away

these clouded memories 

are seen through bloodshot eyes

if ever there was a time

if ever there was a way..." 

parental guidance encouraged.

watching the american film institute countdown of "best" movies last night i got to thinking about the classics that i have seen. and those i haven't.

there are certain movies you probably shouldn't let a child under the age of 10 with an overactive imagination watch. the following are ones that my parents thought were ok for me to watch. that i wish i hadn't seen so young.

an 8 year old shouldn't see "the birds". it is a great movie. but save it for later in life...

especially if twenty years later she endeavors to eat lunch outside in midtown manhattan, literally surrounded by pigeons. 

"the birds". hitchcock. 1963. 

"the blob". yeaworth. 1958.
"journey to the center of the earth". levin. 1959. 

"the andromeda strain". wise.  1971. 

...but years later i let my little sister watch "attack of the killer clowns" on hbo with me. to this day she is terrified and creeped out by clowns. at least i didn't make her watch "it"!

post script...

imdb just informed me that the proper title is "attack of the killer klowns from outer space". my sister was still a wreck at her birthday party where they hired a clown before knowing how i scarred her for life. sorry j! 

(i heart imdb.)