all hallows eve.

happy halloween!

my two best halloween costumes were lydia from beetlejuice, (except the long-term effects of dying my hair black using manic panic, and the subsequent stripping of the color to get it back to normal), and cruella deville.

wonder what i'm being this year? here's a hint:

edgar: "you think you really know what's happening here, don't you? well, i'll tell you something, you don't know shit, buddy."

alan: "yeah? you think we just work at a comic book store for our folks, huh?"

sam: "actually, i thought it was a bakery."

edgar: "this is just a cover, we're dedicated to a higher purpose. we're fighters for truth, justice and the american way."

bridge & tunnel.

i get to take in this view every morning on my way to work. the new commute is 3x as long as my old one, but i think seeing this skyline every day and feeling a little bit more connected to the city is well worth it. 

accident prone.

in a couple hours i was *supposed* to be doing a boxing clinic to raise money for breast cancer led by the trainer who whipped hillary swank into shape for "million dollar baby".

instead i decided to run down a few steps after boxing on thursday night, tripped, fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle really badly. it is now 2x the size it should be and all black and blue. 

in four years i've never fallen in the subway. of course i'd have to manage this right before an event i was really excited about and now can't participate in.

i have fallen outside of niagara in shoes that weren't very sensible, after getting pizza, wearing a really short skirt at 4 am. 

i have fallen outside my own front door in a torrential downpour because my shoes slipped in a puddle. 

also i have fallen by myself in vegas on the strip, stone cold sober, after walking around for hours by myself when all the people i was with for my friend's 30th birthday went to bed at 11 pm and i wasn't ready to call it a night. walked around vegas people watching. right by our hotel, when i was calling it a night, my sandal slid out from under me when i slipped on one of those glossy color stripper fliers that were everywhere. i fell down hard on my knee, which was as swollen then as my ankle is now.

one time, in syracuse, i was going from the parking lot on marshall street, ("the beach"), down to the street below after getting out of carrie and courtney's car. we were headed to zopie's. i slipped on some mud and slid all the way down the hill, one side of me covered in mud. still went in the coffee shop. i'm pretty sure it was after lifeguarding and i was wearing my Syracuse Dept of Parks & Rec tank top with a bathing suit and shorts. covered in mud.

they never let me live that one down...

"7 times out of 10 we listen to our music at night..."

my vote for best music to put yourself to sleep. (in a good way!)

the change in weather is making me super lethargic. i'm in hibernation mode. we took the air conditioning units out of the windows in the apartment and finally turned on the heat last night. 

tuesday night i went to a cmj show that didn't start until 1 am. way too old for that nonsense! was a zombie all day at work. once home i took a 45 minute nap with my hands between my knees for warmth cause my room was so frigid. woke up with numb hands and went out into a living room full of people. ordered delivery from life cafe. attempted to wake up.

later i couldn't sleep after the nap threw off my schedule. finally remembered to put the rachel's cd on my ipod. used that to lull myself to dreamland. 

hooligan for life.

"you live in the problems you decided to build..."

wasn't too thrilled about CMJ. there was maybe one show i had any interest in seeing. that is until i found out that rival schools was playing the syndicate party at rebel last night. 

my roommate had gotten tickets to their nj show next month after the ny show sold out. i checked that day and nj was sold out too. 

living in syracuse had its perks. i miss the days of being able to pull strings and get myself on guest lists cause no one had friends upstate. instead i got used to the idea i was missing out on rival schools.

got into their semi-secret show last night. front and center with the only two people i'd want to see the band with. 

met walter for the millionth time. he was talking about balancing the rock life with being a dad and having a family. before the show he'd been in queens, tucking his kid in. it was cute to hear him speak about life after touring, especially since i know so many who've tried to strike that balance. both successfully and not so successfully.

the highlight of the set was "how soon is now". i felt like i was 16 again during "the switch". 

enjoy my blurry photos via camera phone. 

tick tock tick tock...

what an uplifting image google gave me when i searched "30th birthday cake"! i hope someone makes me this gem...

a mere 40 days left of my 20's. 

tick tock tick tock...

"Do peoples' personalities change after 30? They can, according to researchers who examined 132,515 adults age 21-60 on the personality traits known as the "Big Five": conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, openness and extraversion. These findings are reported in the May issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association (APA)." -ScienceDaily (May 13, 2003)

"Conscientiousness is the trait of being painstaking and careful, or the quality of acting according to the dictates of one's conscience. It includes such elements as self-discipline, carefulness, thoroughness, organization, deliberation and need for achievement. It is an aspect of what was traditionally called character."

i would consider myself conscientious. if i do something that i know is "wrong" i have the worst guilty conscience of anyone i know. chalk it up to catholic guilt. 

"Agreeableness is a tendency to be pleasant and accommodating in social situations. Empathetic, considerate, friendly, generous and helpful. They also have an optimistic view of human nature. They tend to believe that most people are honest, decent and trustworthy."

hmmmm.....i am pleasant and accommodating at work because i have to be. sometimes this leaves little pleasantness for "social situations". but i'm not running for any political office and my real friends know that i can be moody. i've been smarter, as of late, about just not going out when i know i'm less than pleasant. my quota of friends is filled and i'm not really taking new applicants. pretty much go by the "treat people as they treat me" rule. if i'm not the nicest to you, you've probably not been the nicest to me in the past...

i am very generous. to a fault even. 

as far as thinking people are basically good, depends on the situation. i take things on a case-by-case basis.

"Neuroticism can be defined as an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states. Individuals more likely than the average to experience such feelings as anxiety, anger, guilt and clinical depression. They respond more poorly to environmental stress and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations and threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy."

my mom  is manic-depressive. she can't deal with stress and shuts down when too many things go wrong in succession. (i.e. her grandmother dying while she was going through a separation with my dad. her mom being sick while she was having trouble at work.) 

for years i was really worried that my moodiness would turn the corner into full blown depression. it never did. but i also have coping mechanisms that my mom never did. a support system. the ability to talk about my problems, not brood over them.

there was/is a huge stigma associated with mental illness. i think only one of my friends in high school knew about what my mom went through. she thought she was stronger than her disease and didn't want to be on meds. most of the time she was. and was able to manage on her own. but when negative things happened in twos or threes that she couldn't control, she shut down.

when things go wrong for me i power through. no sulking and crying like i did when i was an angst filled teen. i just do what needs to be done. that's when i feel like i'm really living. 

oh and i'm not shy. or anxiety filled. nor do i think ordinary things are a threat. 

"Openness involves active imagination, aesthetic sensitivity, attentiveness to inner feelings, preference for variety and intellectual curiosity."

based on these traits of openness, i am wide open. very open. too open?

"Extraverted people are gregarious, assertive and generally seek out excitement."

i am more gregarious than not. always assertive, to the point of annoyance often. seeking out too much excitement in my world equals seeking trouble.

trouble loves me.

rooting for the underdog.

went to meet up with my friend chris last night before we went back to SF. having your best guy friend move to the other side of the country sucks when your friendship is deeply rooted in gossiping like teenage girls. 

chris went to college in syracuse. i've known him since i was like 15 or 16 from shows. we can't really remember when we first met. there was another kid who looked like him vaguely. the two of us were so different in every way, besides liking the same bands, that i have no idea why we were such good friends. 

lost touch after i'd been in dc for years and he moved to ny. rachel and i went to an errortype:11 show at brownies and i saw some dude in an SU jacket. turned out it was chris. we started talking again. 

every time i went down to the city after that visit we made a point to hang out. i drank by then, he still didn't. he got to babysit me during various nights out at beauty bar, barmacy, motor city. bars closed at 2 at home and 4 in the city. i could never make it past 2 during my visits. chris ditched me to go home with cute girls many times, which i never minded because i got to sleep in his bed while he was in theirs. instead of that damn futon in the living room.

now chris is the one who is "visiting" ny. the one who can't make it til 4 because he's so drunk he's getting in arguments with cabbies, during which i walk a safe distance away and pretend that i'm not with him. spanish guys saying "is that your man? you better make sure he doesn't get arrested!" 

danielle, chris' ex that's still a good friend, meets us at the levee. d and i become engrossed in the red sox game. she's from boston and rooting for big papi and her boys. i like the working class ethic of the sox over the elitist yanks any day. since my mets are out of contention, i'll support boston. we devour cheeseballs and twizzlers while watching the sox come from behind to win. 

i realize after our celebratory shots of jameson that i barely talked to chris all night and he's leaving at 7 am. there are always late night phone calls when i realize he's still awake in california to remedy that situation. 

for tarbell. 

all those changes are for the better.

keep livin' the dream!

postscript...

"i've been told decisive isn't helpful 

but sometimes it cures

the slow into resourceful

with reaction as the lure

simple doesn't matter

disguised as the complex

a fraction of disaster 

and we try to forget for too long..."

that's debatable.

12 minutes in and i'm already sick of hearing about "joe the plumber". ugh! 

communiqué.

the internet has created this disconnect between real human beings and people being whatever they want you to see. so many create personas based on what they want open for mass consumption. i'm definitely guilty of deleting unflattering pictures of myself, but to go as far as photoshopping images? no way! 

seeing someone in the flesh that i haven't actually seen in forever, but speak to over the magical worldwide interweb, there is a certain preconceived notion of what they will be like based on what information is put out there. people have turned into concepts. 

it's amazing to me that in your mid to late 20's, or 30's even, you can formulate this entity which isn't you. i'm sure people do it on those online dating sites, which i've never used. i'm not sure which is worse, normal women who lie about their weight to be more attractive to joe average or hipster girls who create a whole myspacefriendsterfacebook profile filled with all the bands you are *supposed* to like and books you *should* enjoy. if you can't be yourself at 25, who are you trying to be? some archetype of what misshapes dj's think is cool? a person who would be profiled in "vice"? whatever will get you laid by the most dudes with painted on girl jeans tucked into dunks? get thee to a shrink...

postscript...

"i don't even know you

but you're making me heave.

you talk of the old school

but you're only 19.

you and your bros like to act real hard

and you really know how to dress the part

well you can get your ass to the back of the car

cause you've got nothin' to say.

why are you here?

lookin like you've been anesthetized.

we see the same thing every year

just a bunch of robots in disguise.

has it ever crossed your mind

there's other ways to waste your time?

and you don't need my advice

anything that gets you through the night..."

i'm gonna stay young until i die.

almost daily i get questions about the tattoo on my wrist. my responses very depending on my mood. anything from: "it's my favorite bar over by penn station. i'm going to get bennigans on my other wrist", to the real meaning. at least what it means to me.

my other tattoos are on my back. so i can forget about them. this one is in my face every day. sometimes i wonder why i got it there. other days i am glad i did. i don't regret it. yet!

it serves as a reminder that no matter how old i am, no matter how adult i have to be on a daily basis, i should be young at heart. when i'm 85 i don't think i'll disagree. at least i hope not...

postscript...

"will i still want to be  someone?

and not just sit around?

i don't want to be like other adults

cause they've already died

cool and condescending

fossilized." 

true til death.

sorry for the graphic nature of the picture above, but walking in astoria to my friends' apartment yesterday afternoon i saw a bunch of skinned whole goats in a butcher shop window. it always serves as a great reminder to me of why i don't eat meat.

i could never hunt, skin, de-bone and cook an animal. people have this disconnect between the food on their plate and the animal that it once was. as long as the processing of the meat goes on behind closed doors, where they don't have to think about what goes on, they are fine with being a carnivore. 

this is the first time in a long, long time i've written about anything of this nature. i am far from the preachy vegetarian. years ago i was vegan for a couple years, but ended up going back to eating dairy. i am not on some crusade to "recruit" people to my way of life. 

there is one "vegan", er freegan?, in my office who constantly annoys people with her tirades. this is not the way to win friends and influence people. i never even touch upon the subject with her since our views are pretty opposing. my boss of three years didn't even know i was veggie until she was racking her brains for a lunch spot that could accommodate someone from another company who was. 

because i don't eat meat i am constantly subjected to little comments, jokes, jibes from family and friends alike. my irish grandpa used to go to market and buy a live goose for holiday dinners. one favorite story was when my uncle sean was a toddler, grandpa thought it would be funny to put the live goose in his playpen and watch him be chased around by the bird. the same animal would then be taken out back, put on a stump and beheaded, then plucked and sectioned into the meat that would be christmas dinner.

my mom's dad was a hunter. he grew up on a farm in rural upstate ny, one of ten kids. his dad owned a farm but was a high school principal as well. gramp just didn't understand when his 15 year old granddaughter decided to only eat vegetables. this was a man who grew up in the depression, so all the food options given to him later in life were luxuries. he had no problem tracking and killing an animal, but he also loved the cats and dogs they had at home.

the reasons i stopped eating meat are very different from the reasons i continue to not eat meat. but every time i go out to eat with a large group of people to a fancy ny restaurant i feel like i shouldn't have to justify the fact that i'm ordering pasta instead of whatever exotic meat offering there is. just like i would never ask anyone the reason they ate meat, or attack them for doing so.

"if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian."-paul mccartney

"one farmer says to me, "you cannot live on vegetable food solely, for it furnishes nothing to make the bones with;" and so he religiously devotes a part of his day to supplying himself with the raw material of bones; walking all the while he talks behind his oxen, which, with vegetable-made bones, jerk him and his lumbering plow along in spite of every obstacle."-thoreau

ill repute.

"the easiest way to get a reputation is to go outside the fold, shout around for a few years as a violent atheist or a dangerous radical, and then crawl back to the shelter."-fitzgerald

"one can survive anything these days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation."-wilde

"time, which alone makes the reputation of men, ends by making their defects respectable."-voltaire

"reputation is an idle and most false imposition; oft got without merit, and lost without deserving."-the bard

"i don't give a damn 'bout my reputation. i've never been afraid of any deviation. and i don't really care if ya think i'm strange. i ain't gonna change. an i'm never gonna care bout my bad reputation."-joan jett

WWJJD? 

"that was the night everything changed..."

"According to the "Butterflies" chapter in "Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things, by Lafcadio Hearn, a butterfly is seen as the personification of a person's soul; whether they be living, dying, or already dead. One Japanese superstition says that if a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, the person who you most love is coming to see you." 

during the last game at shea stadium i kept seeing a butterfly flying around. an orange one. kept thinking what an odd place that was for a butterfly to be...

postscript...

"change everything you are

and everything you were

your number has been called

fights and battles have begun

revenge will surely come

your hard times are ahead

best 

you've got to be the best

you've got to change the world

and use this chance to be heard

your time is now...

don't let yourself down

don't let yourself go

your last chance has arrived..."

a storm is brewing. 

work perks.

1. free cds. lots of them. some record labels send a copy to every music producer. weird compilations. soundtracks. xmas songs. etc.

2. there is a bar. it's very disconcerting. to have a few drinks in a pub with dark wood, music, dim lighting. and then come out into the florescent lit beige hallway that is your office. many nights i've snuck back to my cube, hoping my boss wouldn't hear me grabbing my coat. being irish is a horrible curse. i turn a bright shade of red when i'm drunk. it's my "tell". 

we've joked about putting up a poster next to my friend's cube to secretly tunnel in and grab bottles of vodka on especially stressful days. (a la "rita hayworth and the shawshank redemption".)

3. free food. there are always conferences and meetings. too much food gets ordered. being on the executive floor, my coworkers and i get to forage through the remains. which usually are made available between 2 and 3 pm, when you've already eaten lunch. 

4. free coffee & tea. thanks starbucks! 

5. signs around the office such as "we won't be silent!" and "remind me again why i work here?" these are all over in the accounting area. they are a fun lot! 

6. shared itunes. so you can feel superior. even though so-and-so makes more money than me, at least i don't like carrie underwood and linkin park. 

this window into my life outside this cubeland usa has also sparked faux conversation between new hires and myself. i have yet to be impressed by anyone in my department's musical taste who isn't a music producer. i'm such a snobby bitch! haha. 

angry woman.

i got this after referencing "mad men", which i have yet to watch a full episode of, since it hits a little too close to home...

"The agency in the 2007 tv series, which is set in 1960, is based on (my ad agency), according to the show's creator, Matthew Weiner. (My agency) is mentioned in at least two episodes."

please refer to the picture above.

red hair....check!

bangs...check!

preference for wearing the color red...check!

oh and the actress herself...

born in 1978...check!

5'8"...check!

if there is someone in plot development stashed away at my office i'm going to be PISSED! chick is stealing my thunder. besides, my vintage clutch purses are much older than the 60's. 

that is all. now i'm back to being fodder for plot lines. feeling as if i were on "the truman show". 

one more thing...will i get more weirded out by watching it? if she's really loud and has a penchant for vodka and jameson i will sue. for reals. 

oh so quiet...

"there's a head on my headphones

along with those eyes that you get

when you circumstance is movie size

it took an hour

maybe a day

but once i really listened

the noise

just went away

it took an hour

maybe a day

but once i really listened

the noise

just went away"

autumn cleaning.

spent part of my afternoon boxing up sundresses, tank tops, summer skirts. stuff that i don't have room to hang up in my new closet.

i've lost a bunch of weight. reshaped my body from what it was three months ago. made a commitment to eating healthier, being smarter about what i drink when i do go out, using my gym membership, listening to what my trainer tells me to do.

the changes have been immense. everyone at work comments about how none of my clothes fit. i don't need as much sleep as i used to. there's a spring in my step that had been absent. 

for whatever reason i kept all my gear that didn't fit. i think subconsciously i knew that i wouldn't let myself be unhappy forever. with how i looked. with my state of mind. 

now i'm in between. can't fit into my most recently purchased clothes. not yet small enough to fit into all my old stuff. 

some of the old clothing has already been purged. since i am so past oriented. i can remember what i wore on a first date, to a funeral, at a wedding, during a fight. the bad mojo some of my stuff had was just too intense to keep around. 

but of course after moving apartments, joining a gym, paying for personal training and some trips that i planned last minute, buying a whole new wardrobe is out of the question at the moment.

are clothes from the year 2000 old enough to be retro yet? 

postscript...

"i don't mind the weather

i've got scarves and caps and sweaters

i've got long johns under slacks for blustery days

i think that it's brainless to assume that making changes

to your window's view will give a new perspective

and the hardest part is yet to come."

lethargy.

this weather has everyone i know sick. i'm battling my fall allergies, which are worse than spring ones for some odd reason.

the weather is gray. i love the chill in the air, but the lack of sunshine is leaving me severely lethargic and lazy. hence the lack of posts on this thing. 

friday night, after ditching friends at the bar when i'd only had one drink, i called erika and got in a conversation about expectations.

erika's lived in the same city, boston, for about 6 years. minus a bit of time spent in ny and dc for internships. did her masters degree and undergrad at the same college. same boyfriend since her freshman year of college. and they are a great couple, not one of those who stay together just because they don't know how to be with anyone else. 

i envy erika's ability to focus and stay in one place. especially since i know she can be just as nomadic and itchy for change as i am. 

nature or nurture? did my single mom's need for us to live a better life every year or so, moving us to a new apartment in a "nicer" area, create my wanderlust? or was it so inherent in my being that i'd be like this even if my parents still resided in a house where i grew up? 

they say you can never go home again. i literally can't. never could. 

my friends in syracuse are my age or younger than me. they own houses, have children, cars, husbands. when i'm up there i have mixed feelings about all these trappings of "adulthood". i zone out when talk turns to real estate, organic baby food, pre-k, all those conversations that i have no knowledge of or experience in. 

spent a whole night at katy and tony's drinking wine and staring at food network like a zombie when another couple with a baby was hanging out with them. 

i don't get those biological clock pangs that so many women talk about. at all. if anything the older i get, the further away i feel like i am from being a mom. i watch the mistakes my friends have made. the bitterness created by having a child with your ex, then moving on to a different phase of your life, yet being tied to this individual for the next 18 years. don't get me wrong, i know some people who can be civil and truly be friends with their child's other parent. but those instances are few and far between.  

my ex's parents hate each other so much that the logistics of him getting married were unfathomable to me. i remember not being invited to his college graduation because he had no idea what kind of brawl would ensue amongst family members. when i found out he was getting hitched recently i joked that i needed to dvr the "jerry springer" episode that it was airing on. 

not being able to enjoy the milestones of life because of the chaos and drama created by those who are supposed to be closest to you is horrible. i'd never want to put a child in that position.

postscript...

"some people think they're always right

others are quiet and uptight

others seem so very nice nice nice nice nice

inside they might feel sad and wrong

29 different attributes

and only 7 that you like

20 ways to see the world

or 20 ways to start a fight

get up 

i can't see the sunshine

i'll be waiting for you baby

cause i'm through

sit me down

shut me up

i'll calm down

and i'll get along with you

oh men don't notice what they got

women think of that a lot

1000 ways to please your man

not even one requires a plan

i know

countless odd religions too

it doesn't matter which you choose

one stubborn way to turn your back

this i've tried

and now refuse...

shut me up

shut me up up up up up 

and i'll get along with you..."

highway to the dangerzone.

mav-er-ick-n. 1. an unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it.

i guess mccain branded palin before anyone else could get to her hockey mom, gosh-darn-it, dumbing herself down for middle america, horrible representation of my gender, feeble mind.

if they are "mavericks", i'll take iceman any day...

what a fool believes.

"and you thought it was only in movies

as you wish all your dreams would come true

it ain't the first time believe me, baby

i'm standin' here feeling blue

yeah i'm blue...

i'll watch the people go shuffling downtown

another ten minutes no longer

and then i'm turning around

the clock on the wall's moving slower

my heart it sinks to the ground...

the thoughts of a fool's kind of careless

i'm just a fool waiting on the wrong block..."

donkeys and elephants.

debate night. 

my downstairs neighbor put a stuffed donkey and a stuffed elephant together on a table inside our entryway. they just appeared one day and scared the hell out of me when i opened the door late one night. 

i love how irate jon stewart has gotten in the past week. 

i hate how the heads of my very capitalist company send emails every day lately about the state of the economy. because we really need to be reminded. and scared for our jobs on a daily basis.

my friend scott posted this quote on myspace that i wanted to share:

"Loading up the nation with debt and leaving it for the following generations to pay is morally irresponsible. Excessive debt is a means by which governments oppress the people and waste their substance. No nation has a right to contract debt for periods longer than the majority contracting it can expect to live." -Thomas Jefferson

everyone should watch the debate tonight. and register to vote if you haven't.