all hallows eve.

happy halloween!

my two best halloween costumes were lydia from beetlejuice, (except the long-term effects of dying my hair black using manic panic, and the subsequent stripping of the color to get it back to normal), and cruella deville.

wonder what i'm being this year? here's a hint:

edgar: "you think you really know what's happening here, don't you? well, i'll tell you something, you don't know shit, buddy."

alan: "yeah? you think we just work at a comic book store for our folks, huh?"

sam: "actually, i thought it was a bakery."

edgar: "this is just a cover, we're dedicated to a higher purpose. we're fighters for truth, justice and the american way."

bridge & tunnel.

i get to take in this view every morning on my way to work. the new commute is 3x as long as my old one, but i think seeing this skyline every day and feeling a little bit more connected to the city is well worth it. 

accident prone.

in a couple hours i was *supposed* to be doing a boxing clinic to raise money for breast cancer led by the trainer who whipped hillary swank into shape for "million dollar baby".

instead i decided to run down a few steps after boxing on thursday night, tripped, fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle really badly. it is now 2x the size it should be and all black and blue. 

in four years i've never fallen in the subway. of course i'd have to manage this right before an event i was really excited about and now can't participate in.

i have fallen outside of niagara in shoes that weren't very sensible, after getting pizza, wearing a really short skirt at 4 am. 

i have fallen outside my own front door in a torrential downpour because my shoes slipped in a puddle. 

also i have fallen by myself in vegas on the strip, stone cold sober, after walking around for hours by myself when all the people i was with for my friend's 30th birthday went to bed at 11 pm and i wasn't ready to call it a night. walked around vegas people watching. right by our hotel, when i was calling it a night, my sandal slid out from under me when i slipped on one of those glossy color stripper fliers that were everywhere. i fell down hard on my knee, which was as swollen then as my ankle is now.

one time, in syracuse, i was going from the parking lot on marshall street, ("the beach"), down to the street below after getting out of carrie and courtney's car. we were headed to zopie's. i slipped on some mud and slid all the way down the hill, one side of me covered in mud. still went in the coffee shop. i'm pretty sure it was after lifeguarding and i was wearing my Syracuse Dept of Parks & Rec tank top with a bathing suit and shorts. covered in mud.

they never let me live that one down...

"7 times out of 10 we listen to our music at night..."

my vote for best music to put yourself to sleep. (in a good way!)

the change in weather is making me super lethargic. i'm in hibernation mode. we took the air conditioning units out of the windows in the apartment and finally turned on the heat last night. 

tuesday night i went to a cmj show that didn't start until 1 am. way too old for that nonsense! was a zombie all day at work. once home i took a 45 minute nap with my hands between my knees for warmth cause my room was so frigid. woke up with numb hands and went out into a living room full of people. ordered delivery from life cafe. attempted to wake up.

later i couldn't sleep after the nap threw off my schedule. finally remembered to put the rachel's cd on my ipod. used that to lull myself to dreamland. 

hooligan for life.

"you live in the problems you decided to build..."

wasn't too thrilled about CMJ. there was maybe one show i had any interest in seeing. that is until i found out that rival schools was playing the syndicate party at rebel last night. 

my roommate had gotten tickets to their nj show next month after the ny show sold out. i checked that day and nj was sold out too. 

living in syracuse had its perks. i miss the days of being able to pull strings and get myself on guest lists cause no one had friends upstate. instead i got used to the idea i was missing out on rival schools.

got into their semi-secret show last night. front and center with the only two people i'd want to see the band with. 

met walter for the millionth time. he was talking about balancing the rock life with being a dad and having a family. before the show he'd been in queens, tucking his kid in. it was cute to hear him speak about life after touring, especially since i know so many who've tried to strike that balance. both successfully and not so successfully.

the highlight of the set was "how soon is now". i felt like i was 16 again during "the switch". 

enjoy my blurry photos via camera phone. 

tick tock tick tock...

what an uplifting image google gave me when i searched "30th birthday cake"! i hope someone makes me this gem...

a mere 40 days left of my 20's. 

tick tock tick tock...

"Do peoples' personalities change after 30? They can, according to researchers who examined 132,515 adults age 21-60 on the personality traits known as the "Big Five": conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, openness and extraversion. These findings are reported in the May issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association (APA)." -ScienceDaily (May 13, 2003)

"Conscientiousness is the trait of being painstaking and careful, or the quality of acting according to the dictates of one's conscience. It includes such elements as self-discipline, carefulness, thoroughness, organization, deliberation and need for achievement. It is an aspect of what was traditionally called character."

i would consider myself conscientious. if i do something that i know is "wrong" i have the worst guilty conscience of anyone i know. chalk it up to catholic guilt. 

"Agreeableness is a tendency to be pleasant and accommodating in social situations. Empathetic, considerate, friendly, generous and helpful. They also have an optimistic view of human nature. They tend to believe that most people are honest, decent and trustworthy."

hmmmm.....i am pleasant and accommodating at work because i have to be. sometimes this leaves little pleasantness for "social situations". but i'm not running for any political office and my real friends know that i can be moody. i've been smarter, as of late, about just not going out when i know i'm less than pleasant. my quota of friends is filled and i'm not really taking new applicants. pretty much go by the "treat people as they treat me" rule. if i'm not the nicest to you, you've probably not been the nicest to me in the past...

i am very generous. to a fault even. 

as far as thinking people are basically good, depends on the situation. i take things on a case-by-case basis.

"Neuroticism can be defined as an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states. Individuals more likely than the average to experience such feelings as anxiety, anger, guilt and clinical depression. They respond more poorly to environmental stress and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations and threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy."

my mom  is manic-depressive. she can't deal with stress and shuts down when too many things go wrong in succession. (i.e. her grandmother dying while she was going through a separation with my dad. her mom being sick while she was having trouble at work.) 

for years i was really worried that my moodiness would turn the corner into full blown depression. it never did. but i also have coping mechanisms that my mom never did. a support system. the ability to talk about my problems, not brood over them.

there was/is a huge stigma associated with mental illness. i think only one of my friends in high school knew about what my mom went through. she thought she was stronger than her disease and didn't want to be on meds. most of the time she was. and was able to manage on her own. but when negative things happened in twos or threes that she couldn't control, she shut down.

when things go wrong for me i power through. no sulking and crying like i did when i was an angst filled teen. i just do what needs to be done. that's when i feel like i'm really living. 

oh and i'm not shy. or anxiety filled. nor do i think ordinary things are a threat. 

"Openness involves active imagination, aesthetic sensitivity, attentiveness to inner feelings, preference for variety and intellectual curiosity."

based on these traits of openness, i am wide open. very open. too open?

"Extraverted people are gregarious, assertive and generally seek out excitement."

i am more gregarious than not. always assertive, to the point of annoyance often. seeking out too much excitement in my world equals seeking trouble.

trouble loves me.

rooting for the underdog.

went to meet up with my friend chris last night before we went back to SF. having your best guy friend move to the other side of the country sucks when your friendship is deeply rooted in gossiping like teenage girls. 

chris went to college in syracuse. i've known him since i was like 15 or 16 from shows. we can't really remember when we first met. there was another kid who looked like him vaguely. the two of us were so different in every way, besides liking the same bands, that i have no idea why we were such good friends. 

lost touch after i'd been in dc for years and he moved to ny. rachel and i went to an errortype:11 show at brownies and i saw some dude in an SU jacket. turned out it was chris. we started talking again. 

every time i went down to the city after that visit we made a point to hang out. i drank by then, he still didn't. he got to babysit me during various nights out at beauty bar, barmacy, motor city. bars closed at 2 at home and 4 in the city. i could never make it past 2 during my visits. chris ditched me to go home with cute girls many times, which i never minded because i got to sleep in his bed while he was in theirs. instead of that damn futon in the living room.

now chris is the one who is "visiting" ny. the one who can't make it til 4 because he's so drunk he's getting in arguments with cabbies, during which i walk a safe distance away and pretend that i'm not with him. spanish guys saying "is that your man? you better make sure he doesn't get arrested!" 

danielle, chris' ex that's still a good friend, meets us at the levee. d and i become engrossed in the red sox game. she's from boston and rooting for big papi and her boys. i like the working class ethic of the sox over the elitist yanks any day. since my mets are out of contention, i'll support boston. we devour cheeseballs and twizzlers while watching the sox come from behind to win. 

i realize after our celebratory shots of jameson that i barely talked to chris all night and he's leaving at 7 am. there are always late night phone calls when i realize he's still awake in california to remedy that situation. 

for tarbell. 

all those changes are for the better.

keep livin' the dream!

postscript...

"i've been told decisive isn't helpful 

but sometimes it cures

the slow into resourceful

with reaction as the lure

simple doesn't matter

disguised as the complex

a fraction of disaster 

and we try to forget for too long..."