ma mère. ma coeur.

2/2007. long island city. queens. 

"...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; 

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"-e.e.c.

mother's day hat trick.

they say you can never go home again. this is particularly true when you go away to college at 17 and your mom moves from big house into apartment. not that i ever had any long-term residence during my life. unless you count grandparents' places...

came up to syracuse for an old friend's baby shower. co-ed. bbq. this i can hang with. not oohing and ahhing over blankets and pacifiers while women with kids dole out unsolicited baby advice. here there is alcohol. deviled eggs. salt potatoes. backyard. trees. sunshine! (until monsoon like winds/rain bring the party inside.)

the mom-to-be i've known since i was 11. our perm having, hairsprayed big bangs rockin', bad 90's r & b music listening, tight rolled guess? jeans former selves. only the hostess has known her longer. 

i exit that party to meet best friend from home. who is having a baby. on monday. i assume we are hanging at her house. oh no! her mom's watching the twins. 

we are out to eat and she's having contractions. i know very little of the technical side of pregnancy, so hearing about my friend contracting makes me a bit nervous. but she's a pediatric nurse. so we eat and then go out for dessert. 

spend my night away from the bars. the chaos. the gossip mill that is the "downtown" scene. in possibly the most zen house in all of central ny. currently sitting next to a snoring 145 pound great dane. surrounded by buddahs and yoga books. 

goodnight. 

xoxo mjm 

with arms outstretched...

"i embrace the fall"

i don't know if it's a weird cultural thing, but my family spent a LOT of time at cemeteries when i was growing up. actually i know it's not, because day of the dead exists. and japanese people have ceremonies at grave sites. my hindu friend in junior high brought photos of her dead grandfather in india in to school. that was a bit bizarre. (ignore my fractured train of thought, i'm only halfway through a coffee.)

my grandfather was buried within walking distance of their house. gram would go and plant flowers, visit him, etc. most weekends i'd go with her. the eeriest part of the cemetery was the children's section. even before my sister was diagnosed with childhood cancer, going as a kid near dead kids freaked me out. 

now when i'm on vacation in europe i almost always end up taking photos of graves. so goth...

 

"although you hit me hard

i come back..."

cobalt blue.

only have this at work. bummer. 

if i swipe dad's vinyl copy this weekend, i wonder if he'll notice...

everyone's deleting myspace. never even deleted friendster. fun to look back at sometimes. especially during periods i didn't write in a journal or keep track of what was going on. when i was 25 people really, really liked me...

"she's loud, she's an obnoxious drunk, she's hot, she has a story about everyone or how someone she knows has a story about everyone, she's my best friend, and in her past life she was a domestic goddess and socialite extraordinaire... basically she's everything YOU wish you were and more."-k.m.t.

"hmmm...ive known this girl since she was 17. she didn't always like me too much. wonder why. anyway, she's certainly one of the most fashion conscious girls i know and she has no problems in the conversation dept, that is to say, she likes to talk."-p.e.s.

"if you knew what i knew when i was in those shoes ...you'd start runnin' but catching and keeping up ain't the same thing, when you wanna leave it all behind." so much beauty, how do you survive yourself?-ex friend

how far is goodbye?

bad press for this blog:

"who knew!? you are actually intelligent...

too bad it gets covered up by all the condescending and elitism you excude."-syracuse resident. 

"long ago,

 i made up my mind 

that when things were said involving only me, 

i would pay no attention to them, 

except when 

valid 

criticism 

was carried by which i could 

profit."

-e. roosevelt 

this time last year i probably would've cried at that. 

or brooded.

just made me laugh. 

out loud. 

"a year was all i needed 

to feel like someone else. 

and perfect my role 

as an outcast in your eyes."

-j.c.

virtues.

homecoming. second weekend not in my bed. at least i'm not on a couch this time? though sarah's place, er soon to be place, was super comfy.

friday (tomorrow!): bus. 

can't deal with jfk--->hancock. that midnight flight. 

i don't want to drive. at all. refusing to get a rental. all i do when home is drive my life away. 

solvay-->camillus-->strathmore-->lemoyne-->SU-->lyncourt-->liverpool-->armory-->???

end up more exhausted than after pulling a double shift on my feet at old job.

the alternative? lorie's. zen. calm. she can make me do a crazy juice cleanse and not drink and wake up at the crack of dawn for yoga. ready to hand the decisions over to someone else. vegan and sxe in 315? novel concept. changing all music on ipod to soothing stuff. girly shit. lillith fair nonsense. maybe carrie will lend me even more.

saturday: baby shower. 

sunday: mother's day. buy mom brunch. trek to see gram. at least it's not in the snow! go by aunt libbi's at some point...

i should probably get the hell off the internet and make a reservation at one of the 2 places in syracuse proper that does brunch. 

"end of a matter is better than its beginning

and patience is better than pride"-7:8

"sit here on the stairs

cause i'd rather be alone"-w.a.r.

rivers cuomo's dream night.

all paintings by cameron snow. 

went to SVA's senior show last night. the place was straight out of rivers cuomo's fantasies! 

a bunch of great art, but the themes were really universal. religion. asian things! water. sex. 

there were a couple students who did stuff based on tattoo flash. they want to be tattoo artists, yet have no tattoos. this was odd to me. but then i remembered that steve only started getting big stuff recently. smart man! no ghetto jailhouse tattoos like me. 

met a guy recently who got his first tattoo done by chris o'donnell. must be nice...

i'm really proud of cameron. his stuff was easily my favorite in the show. without bias. can't wait to buy something!

my sister's friends have done amazing things. they each have blossomed into adults with great potential in their own individual ways. i'm so honored to have known them when they were just kids. to have driven them around to house parties, to have done makeup for prom, to play chauffeur, to maybe---at least one or two times---have been the voice of reason when they couldn't talk to their own older sibling or parent.