lethargy.

this weather has everyone i know sick. i'm battling my fall allergies, which are worse than spring ones for some odd reason.

the weather is gray. i love the chill in the air, but the lack of sunshine is leaving me severely lethargic and lazy. hence the lack of posts on this thing. 

friday night, after ditching friends at the bar when i'd only had one drink, i called erika and got in a conversation about expectations.

erika's lived in the same city, boston, for about 6 years. minus a bit of time spent in ny and dc for internships. did her masters degree and undergrad at the same college. same boyfriend since her freshman year of college. and they are a great couple, not one of those who stay together just because they don't know how to be with anyone else. 

i envy erika's ability to focus and stay in one place. especially since i know she can be just as nomadic and itchy for change as i am. 

nature or nurture? did my single mom's need for us to live a better life every year or so, moving us to a new apartment in a "nicer" area, create my wanderlust? or was it so inherent in my being that i'd be like this even if my parents still resided in a house where i grew up? 

they say you can never go home again. i literally can't. never could. 

my friends in syracuse are my age or younger than me. they own houses, have children, cars, husbands. when i'm up there i have mixed feelings about all these trappings of "adulthood". i zone out when talk turns to real estate, organic baby food, pre-k, all those conversations that i have no knowledge of or experience in. 

spent a whole night at katy and tony's drinking wine and staring at food network like a zombie when another couple with a baby was hanging out with them. 

i don't get those biological clock pangs that so many women talk about. at all. if anything the older i get, the further away i feel like i am from being a mom. i watch the mistakes my friends have made. the bitterness created by having a child with your ex, then moving on to a different phase of your life, yet being tied to this individual for the next 18 years. don't get me wrong, i know some people who can be civil and truly be friends with their child's other parent. but those instances are few and far between.  

my ex's parents hate each other so much that the logistics of him getting married were unfathomable to me. i remember not being invited to his college graduation because he had no idea what kind of brawl would ensue amongst family members. when i found out he was getting hitched recently i joked that i needed to dvr the "jerry springer" episode that it was airing on. 

not being able to enjoy the milestones of life because of the chaos and drama created by those who are supposed to be closest to you is horrible. i'd never want to put a child in that position.

postscript...

"some people think they're always right

others are quiet and uptight

others seem so very nice nice nice nice nice

inside they might feel sad and wrong

29 different attributes

and only 7 that you like

20 ways to see the world

or 20 ways to start a fight

get up 

i can't see the sunshine

i'll be waiting for you baby

cause i'm through

sit me down

shut me up

i'll calm down

and i'll get along with you

oh men don't notice what they got

women think of that a lot

1000 ways to please your man

not even one requires a plan

i know

countless odd religions too

it doesn't matter which you choose

one stubborn way to turn your back

this i've tried

and now refuse...

shut me up

shut me up up up up up 

and i'll get along with you..."