the purge.

reading through this blog of mine
i am struck by how much i put out there
when, for years, for self-preservation,
i kept it all in

saw the above artwork at my sister's friend's senior art show
SVA
another friend, of mine, of my sister's,
was looking at the exhibit with me
commented on how he thought this was
god
(GOD)
(God)
creation

that was the obvious interpretation
one that 90% of people probably would have had

but
of course
i didn't see it that way

reading through all this
that piece stuck out in my head
the purge
of everything that was held in
all of it
coming out

spoke to a writer i know
explained how i maybe wanted to go back to school
for writing
or english

things that i never majored in because...
because that was what i was good at
excelled at

science...
that was work!
a challenge
chem professor that laughed
when i told him my major would be environmental science

streams of consciousness
that scared me
was i having a breakdown?
or a breakthrough?

i'd write and write
then read it in a day
a week
a month

you could hand me a printout
i'd deny in a court of law
that i'd written it

writer i know said it's the same for him

was always jealous
of musician friends
of artist friends
of people who knew exactly what they wanted to do

mine was always a process of elimination
can't do that
don't want to do this
bored by that
shouldn't try this

it doesn't help being your own worst critic either

always proving myself
is tiring
i'm done







if you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
but make allowance for their doubting too; . . .
if you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
and treat those two impostors just the same . . .
yours is the Earth and everything that's in it-j.r.k.