something happened this morning. one of my producers had a guy die in her arms. we don't know all the details. he got stabbed on the train and fell back into her. she tried to stop the bleeding, but he died.
last night on houston i saw a biker who'd just gotten hit by a car getting put in the ambulance.
more illustrations of how fleeting this life is. as if i needed more...
i'm about to type stuff that will probably make me sob at my desk. whatever. only a select few friends know because i'm not the type who wants people to take pity on me or always ask me how i'm doing.
a few months ago my 21 year old cousin got shot in a driveby. in syracuse, ny. not in bushwick or southeast dc. on a corner that i've driven by a million times, walked by a thousand times, hung out on a hundred times. down the street from my old high school.
my cousin is like my little brother. after my parents got divorced and my mom was struggling to be a single mom, we moved in with my aunt and her two kids for awhile.
i've changed this kid's diapers, i've made him drink as much grape soda and possible and then bounced him up and down to see what color his puke would be, (it wasn't purple), i've screamed at him for fucking up his life, i've mailed him hip hop cds, i've purchased a XXL biggie shirt for his christmas gift last year.
when i got a phone call from his sister on a saturday morning that i couldn't understand because she was crying so hysterically, i took for granted that our grandmother had died. listening to the voicemail again, i realized that her little brother was in the hospital, clinging to life.
being in the same state, without a car, not knowing if you should book a flight home or if it'll be too late by the time jetblue gets you there, that's the worst feeling in the world. wanting to be there for your family, to do anything, to sell your soul so that a 21 year old can live a life he's thusfar squandered. having no one to turn to but your family. not wanting to bother your friends with stressful jobs and crazy city lives with another of your family crises...
he's ok now. sliced open. bullet removed. medically induced coma. weeks of not knowing. my aunt sitting in vigil. calling me so so so excited when he squeezed her hand or fluttered his eyelids. her little boy born 2 days after my birthday.
remembering the cold november we went to the hospital when he was born. i was 8. my sister would be born on another frigid day, 3 months later in february.
the doctor only was able to save him because he had worked at university and treated gunshot wounds in the past. it was a freak thing that he was at community. out of 9 wounds of that nature, 8 people died. my cousin was lucky...
a month later i get the call my mom is in the hospital for the second time this year. at this point i roll with the punches. i can't be there. even if i could, i can't do anything. but catholic guilt coupled with only child syndrome rips my guts to shreds. phone calls to hospitals. threats to uncooperative nurses. offers to go fax my birth certificate to them for information since we have different last names and i am 4.5 hours away.
today my mom is fine. today my cousin is fine.
i am changed. forever. re-prioritizing. new horizons. lust for life.
postscript...
the time before the last time that my mom was in the hospital. when i did hop that flight getting me into syracuse at midnight. cause i just knew. that she needed me. right. that. second.
driving a rental car that wasn't in my name. settling all her affairs. i didn't recognize myself. this burst of energy in my otherwise, as of late, lethargic life. TCB.
a song kept playing on the radio in the rental car. as cheesy as it was. it was just what i needed...
"now that that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cause i can't wait much longer...
i know i got to be right now
cause i can't get much wronger..."
the song is about him lusting after a girl he can't have. i plucked the old adage as the message, but "hey mama" actually fits my situation. (not the black eyed peas song.)
for dre.
hang in. hang on.
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