"get thee to a nunnery..."

(one hour early.)

above is a page from my zine called kismet. i wrote this gem when i was 18, but the sentiments within ring pretty true today. 

when i wrote the above that i had a pretty horrendous relationship with my dad. as all girls with "daddy issues" do, i became way too involved in gaining and keep male attention and affection. all these exploits were pretty PG-13, but catholic guilt got the better of me time and time again. 

at 21 i moved back to syracuse and ended up repairing my relationship with my dad. if i got nothing else out of the years "wasted" back home, (while i theoretically saved money for a move to nyc), a friendship on an adult level with my dad was worth the wait. 

and what became of the boy i wrote such glowing things about, you ask? he broke up with me, in essence, by not returning my calls. since we were long-distance, that was that. 

if we hadn't been geographically separated i don't think we would've lasted as long as we did. it was a romanticized, trumped up relationship between a barely 18 year old and a 20 year old. emails, 8 hour phone calls, (who the hell has that much to say?!), mix tapes, postcards, et al. crazy intensity to maintain over time and miles. 

he drank and partied. i did not. he came from an urban area. i did not. my 6 month exposure to dc didn't make me able to carry on a romance with someone who was leaps and bounds ahead of me on every playing field. 

but i'm proud of myself. didn't drink or drug because he did. i stayed pretty true to who i was and what i was about. he couldn't even get me to like the smiths back then! 

after years of not speaking i found him on an online social community. ha. he was mean at first and then he wasn't. now we're great friends. the kind that never actually hang out. how modern!

he understands me and is able to put me in check when i need to be. gives great advice, even if following that same advice isn't a path he chooses. 

i think at the core, i'm still that same 18 year old girl. wanting to be idealistic. wanting to believe the best about people, no matter how many times she is proven wrong. wanting the world to be a better place. putting others before herself in small matters, but sticking to her guns when it comes to the big stuff. 

to have someone in your life, who isn't family, who you aren't going to date again, who isn't around for the day-to-day nonsense, is pretty crucial. a sort of mirror. honest, but not brutally so. someone to tell you that you aren't a bad person, no matter how badly things are going. 

validation, i guess? reminding you of nice things you've done before. how you'll probably do many of those types of things in the future. if you don't beat yourself up about the present...

for the one who drove the 7" wooden stake through my heart. 

don't worry, it healed up nicely. again and again and again. 

-mjm

post script...

"o, swear not by the moon, 

the inconstant moon,

that monthly changes in her circled orb,

lest that thy love prove likewise variable"

hope springs eternal. or something.