three to get ready.

at 2 am i wake up on a daybed at my best friend's apartment. i'm under the covers, full of Taco Chulo, searching in the darkness by light of my ipod for my bag, pen and paper to scratch thoughts in handwriting I don't recognize as my own.

said best friend is on a detox. as am i, i suppose...from drama, a life i no longer knew to be my own, sloth, greed, envy. 

my cell has bit the dust. maybe a blessing in disguise? keeping me incommunicado. out of harm's way. within the 4 walls containing my best friend/sister soul/sparring partner. if i can figure her out it's one step further inside my own labyrinth. (or was it two steps back?)

my favorite moment today---anthropologie---wandering zombified on a 2:30 lunch. near the windows. i don't know if it's the bright red hair-or something else-especially lately, the little kids, the babies, all look into my eyes. seek me out. it happened again and again last saturday on my H.C. day wandering around central park alone for 7 hours...

anyway...a field trip, all matching neon green t's with white writing. one little boy taps on the glass at the side of the store, where there's no one standing but me, and waves frantically, a huge grin on his 7 or 8 year old face. i smile so wide, snapped out of my trance, wave excitedly back. all the little kids with him start to grin and wave at me too. i walk away on air. no one has seen this but me, the kids, their teachers. 

it's still the little shit that gets me. so glad i didn't move to this city, as planned, at 21 to let it suck my soul. 

postscript..."a professional cynic...but my heart's not in it..." a person came into my life on sunny october day in 1996. it would never be the same again. hour long cab ride, stolen golf cart, music, music, music, salt bagels, pure fun, tears, a funeral, a wedding, a birth, adulthood, eternal friendship (even when i doubted it was there), one of my guardians through it all. 

at a certain point, hopefully, everything clicks. comes into focus. the who, what, when, where and why. if you call it god or spirituality, a life force or just order forming out of chaos. people who've been there for half your life but may not always be right there next to you. shit goes down. they assume their roles. it's blowing my already zooming mind. 

dedicated to two of my guardians and protectors. i count you as family. 

for r.r.w.

for m.r.d.

-mjm