this rant was intended for the first day of this month. but i waited.i am not good at forgiving. or forgetting. letting go. it can take years. or never happen. i'm pretty unpredictable when it comes to this kind of stuff.
my best friend and i didn't speak for 2 years once. there was a bunch of drama and it's probably better that we took time off from each other. we're closer than ever now.
i took back an ex. once. despite my gut instinct not to. he found his way back into my life with his killer charm. and the fact that he was the first boyfriend who was actually allowed into my family life.
he hung out with my mom and talked about sports. (my mom is a sports fanatic. if we didn't vaguely look alike and have the same mannerisms and voice, i'd think that some soap opera switched-at-birth scenario was likely.) he treated my little sister better than his little sister. interviewed my grandma about her life for some psych project on aging.
he was there when my stepmom died. and as the only non-family member who knew her, he was the go-to. i washed away all my bitterness to have a shoulder to cry on. well, not cry on, because i wasn't really fond of the woman. more like a sounding board to tell me i wasn't a complete bitch...
before long we were back together and more solid than ever. he'd finished college and had a grown-up job. wanted to get a place together. a ring for me.
both of us had family chaos. that was our undoing. that and the need of two kids under 25 to see what else is out there.
but we were like two magnets...pulling apart, then pulled back together by a force beyond us. one look across the room at a show where he was with his new "girlfriend", (there to see my friends' band!), and i either wanted to kill him or marry him.
i ended things finally. in a really bad way, but i couldn't risk seeing him again. that pull would override my instincts. and then i would wake up at 30 or 35 and look over at him, wondering why i let him in all over again after the havoc he created in my pretty simple syracuse life.
i'm good at that.
endings.
walking away.
shutting off.
i guess when i finally figure out that the current boyfriend isn't "the one", as bad as i want him to be, as much blood, sweat and tears as i've put into being a couple, at a certain point it just stops.
any overtures made past that point fall on deaf ears. too little, too late.
the roller coaster ride of my syracuse ex finally ground to a halt when i exited stage left for new york. (and the dc ex was shocked when i moved back to syracuse a few months after we broke up.)
i'm making a concerted effort to not leave new york. there are only a few cities left that i know i could live in. my friends here are amazing, even though with conflicting schedules we only see each other the bare minimum.
i love getting lost in this city and not seeing anyone i know for a whole day. exploring. going to another country, but really only being in another neighborhood.
my sister gets back to ny in a couple weeks. she'll talk some sense into me after being unreachable in the woods in maine all summer. (great timing j!)
i don't want to be back at square one. square three is acceptable.
for j.t.j. video killed the radio star. thank you.
post-script...
"this side i show
but which side is me
lost somewhere in between..."
pretty sure i'm showing both sides. for the first time ever. no hiding.
-mjm
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